Cheap Gothic Soap Opera, Part 62

The man playing Barnabas, whose name happened to be Sabanrab, or Sbrach! for short, paused, looking befuddled.
Tony tried asking again, "Do you know the way to Brooklyn?" he said slowly, almost condescendingly.
Sbrach! justt stood there, looking to Tony as if he was waiting for him to do something. Strange whispers began to emanate from the woodwork.
Tony began to shiver "Well if you're not going to help me, I'll just have to figure it out on my own!" he shouted, laughing, trying to send away the everpresent feeling of death that surrounded him. Then he saw a map above the mantelpiece. He began to trot over to it, but the ground splintered beneath him and he plunged into darkness. In a mad, primitive frenzy he rushed through the gloom, crashing into god-knows-what as the whispers grew deafeningly loud.
"...completely wrong choice..."
"...what was the director thinking..."
"...actually I quite fancy him..."
Then an ear-shattering crash, and there was light. A hand reached down to him and pulled him up.
As his eyes adjusted he realized that it was Sbrach! He looked around and saw that the entire house had collapsed, and stagehands were running everywhere.
"What happened?" Tony asked fuzzily.
"You fell through the floorboards," said Sbrach! in his trademark grizzled/stentorian tone, "Common mistake for beginners. What you have to learn is that you can't touch anything on this set or it will break."
"We're still on the set? I've been walking for hours."
"Oh have you?"
Tony looked down at his watch. It was three hours before he had left! Sbrach! spoke before he could say anything. "The non-euclidean geometry used on the set allows for an environment free of the constraints of space and time, in case you were wondering. But of course you were. The director never explains the intricacies of running a show like this. It's just meet in his office, sign the death contract, gloom pressing in, and then the cameras are rolling. You have to learn about these things yourself."
"...death contract? Did you say something about a death con-"
"ONWARDS AND FORWARDS I always say," shouted Sbrach! "We have to get to House C1 to shoot the next scene."
"But we've already done all the shoots for today."
"Time has no place here!" Sbrach! said cheerfully, grabbing Tony by the arm in a playful and painful fashion as he kept up his gallop. "And we have to get as many scenes done as we can before the writer's strike begins." He stopped suddenly. "Good godthlu! What have I done?" He sprinted off.
"Writer's strike? There are writers for this show?"

(OP: Nate, January 9 2008)