Billy was sitting in his US History class. It was a hot, sweltering mid-Texan day. He glanced over his shoulder. At the back of the class sat Susie; Billy liked Susie a lot, but he was the son of a humble turd-miner. She was smart. Intending to show her just how bright he could be, Billy asked the teacher:
"Mr. Sticky, I don't understand why the Americans rebelled against the British. It ain't been that bad."
The teacher stood erect, flicked his burning gaze at Billy, and snarled.
"Well Billy, if you have to ask so many DAMNED QUESTIONS! No, don't cry Billy, just...I get angry sometimes when you act like a little piece of crap."
Everyone in the class laughed. Because Billy was the humble son of a turd-miner.
"Anyhow," continued the teacher, "Let me tell you in narrative style."
Mr. Sticky sat down, donned his safety helmet and began to tell the story of the British:
"
General Pashto pressed his back to the wall. It was cold and flat...almost like a wall. The British was sneaking up the alley way, and Pashto was alone, with no backup. In only a moment the British would arrive. Pashto peaked around the corner. It was standing there sniffing through a pile of dead turkey burgers.
The British was the most feared of the 27 cryptozoans of the 13 colonies. It had a row of sharp incisors and a large plankton belly:
It had two bioluminescent lanterns on antennae jutting from its head. These were meant to attract pray, mostly unsuspecting backcountry farmers and occasionally the arrogant trial lawyer.
Its close relative is the anglerfish:
Aren't you strangely attracted to that lantern?
One might notice that the British is red, hence the name "red coat." Pashto knew that looking into the lanterns meant death...but he had to get close enough to puncture its poop vein (a feature of shrimp as well), its only weakness.
For generations the British ruled with an iron fist from its capital on a secretive magic island called "Eng-land." It sent decrees to the Americans, and made them send their healthiest youth over on ships ever three years. None returned (although their carcasses did, on occasion, make their way back) and no one knew what happened to them. As if this weren't bad enough, he also made them pay a tea tax and a stamp tax! The introduction of the suicide tax was the straw that broke the camel's back.
General Pashto and his buddy Washington lured the British to the colonies, where they intended to capture and kill it. But no one showed up at the mandatory army organizational meeting. Washington got really really sick, Franky said that got hair cancer, and Jimmy said that his heart broke. Unwilling to question his friends' sudden turns of fortune, now Pashto had to fight the British on his own."
Susie spoke up, "Mr. Sticky, this is all wrong. The British wasn't a giant deep sea vertebrate! It was giant cnidarian that lived in Lake Michigan."
Mr. Sticky glared at the sun menacingly. "So, now Susie thinks she's so cool, she thinks she's so great. Well I DONT!"
"Mr. Sticky, I don't understand why the Americans rebelled against the British. It ain't been that bad."
The teacher stood erect, flicked his burning gaze at Billy, and snarled.
"Well Billy, if you have to ask so many DAMNED QUESTIONS! No, don't cry Billy, just...I get angry sometimes when you act like a little piece of crap."
Everyone in the class laughed. Because Billy was the humble son of a turd-miner.
"Anyhow," continued the teacher, "Let me tell you in narrative style."
Mr. Sticky sat down, donned his safety helmet and began to tell the story of the British:
"
General Pashto pressed his back to the wall. It was cold and flat...almost like a wall. The British was sneaking up the alley way, and Pashto was alone, with no backup. In only a moment the British would arrive. Pashto peaked around the corner. It was standing there sniffing through a pile of dead turkey burgers.
The British was the most feared of the 27 cryptozoans of the 13 colonies. It had a row of sharp incisors and a large plankton belly:
It had two bioluminescent lanterns on antennae jutting from its head. These were meant to attract pray, mostly unsuspecting backcountry farmers and occasionally the arrogant trial lawyer.
Its close relative is the anglerfish:
Aren't you strangely attracted to that lantern?
One might notice that the British is red, hence the name "red coat." Pashto knew that looking into the lanterns meant death...but he had to get close enough to puncture its poop vein (a feature of shrimp as well), its only weakness.
For generations the British ruled with an iron fist from its capital on a secretive magic island called "Eng-land." It sent decrees to the Americans, and made them send their healthiest youth over on ships ever three years. None returned (although their carcasses did, on occasion, make their way back) and no one knew what happened to them. As if this weren't bad enough, he also made them pay a tea tax and a stamp tax! The introduction of the suicide tax was the straw that broke the camel's back.
General Pashto and his buddy Washington lured the British to the colonies, where they intended to capture and kill it. But no one showed up at the mandatory army organizational meeting. Washington got really really sick, Franky said that got hair cancer, and Jimmy said that his heart broke. Unwilling to question his friends' sudden turns of fortune, now Pashto had to fight the British on his own."
Susie spoke up, "Mr. Sticky, this is all wrong. The British wasn't a giant deep sea vertebrate! It was giant cnidarian that lived in Lake Michigan."
Mr. Sticky glared at the sun menacingly. "So, now Susie thinks she's so cool, she thinks she's so great. Well I DONT!"
(OP: Ben, September 23 2007)
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