The Twentieth Century, Section 1

Chapter 8 - The Twentieth Century
Section 1 - Progressivism

Quotable Quotes
John D. Rockefeller: “My fellow americans, I can now say with truth and pride that I am richer than God”
Teddy Roosevelt: “John D. Rockefeller is a b****-a** ho. F*** tha police!”

That there’s some gansta sh*t!

To acheive a true understanding of the progressive movement and era, one must first go back to the industrialization of America, for progressivism was most clearly a manifestation of the reactions against the excesses of capitalism and industrialization. but to get a handle on American capitalism and industrialization, we would have to go back to British capitalism and industrialization. and in order to do that, we would have to examine the history of British economics. but then we would have to look at all economics, in all places and times. and that would force us to pry into the depths of all known body politics and corporations. and that would make us adfagaGAUGAGUAGGUAGUAAGAUUAGHGGHGHGGHG!

[Editor’s Note: We at HappyFunTimeIncorporated are sorry. In trying to encapsulate the idea of progressivism as a whole, the previous writer has gone mad. In order to avert that problem henceforth, we shall explain things to you, the reader, in the simplest terms possible.]

Industrialism was bad. Bad like Attila the Hun (no wait, the reader’s wouldn’t even know who he was). How about Darth Vader? Yeah. Industrialism was as bad as Darth Vader. And Darth Vader is pretty bad. Racism, not being able to vote, and babies were pretty bad too. So the progressives, who were good and like jedi knights, decided to fight back. And they won. And there were like explosions and stuff and the planes were like pyoo pyoo pyoo and then godzilla comes along and he’s like RAYRWORR and then some zombie ninjas come in with like guns that can shoot like more zombie ninjas and then Santa Claus starts to-

[Editor’s Note: Once again, we at HappyFunTimeInc. sincerely apology for any inconveniences that might have inconvenienced you, the reader. The last writer was an idiot, and soon after we read his work, the management at HappyFunTimeInc. took him out behind the building and shot him. There will be no more attempts at a section on progressivism in this textbook.]

Special Audiovisual Reenactment of the Progressive Era:
“Hey, what happened to the years 1900-1914? Where are Teddy Roosevelt, and WEB Dubois, and Alice Paul?” Timmy asked with not-so-childlike innocence upon noticing the literal gaping hole in his textbook.
“You idiot, they were communist!” shouted Jimmy punching Timmy.
In a strange twist of fate, Jimmy grew up to become Teddy Roosevelt.

(OP: Nate, March 23 2008)