Chapter 4 continued
The Home Front - All Hail Mother Uni-On!
As all good students of history and world events should know, wars do not matter at all in the grand scheme of things. They are just silly little games that should not be mentioned in polite company unless discussing their effects on labor unions or crazy frenchmen with access to urinals.
Infinitely more interesting than troop formations or earth-shattering battles.
The Uni-on machine, created by Samuel Gompers Sr. had been in existence for some 40 years before the start of World War I, cranking out collective worker-cubes with cold efficiency, worker-cubes who would live and die for Mother Uni-on. Uni-on's attempts to take over the world by destroying business and capitalism met with stiff resistance from the Pinkerton lizards who were hired by American businesses and who gained sustenance from the worker-cubes alkaline innards (see the chapter on strikes and stuff; I'm pretty sure it's in here; or maybe not; we were all sort of buzzed on cough medicine when we were editing this, and we might have accidentally switched out the chapter on strikes with a nine thousand line free verse epic detailing the trials and tribulations of a hobo named Sir Scrapulous in his quest for the perfect mulligan stew; or something like that).
Anyway, by the end of the 1880s, the Pinkertons were devouring worker-cubes at a faster rate than Uni-on could produce them (a clear-cut example of Keynesian economics), and Gompers was ailing in health. On his deathbed he gave his son, Samuel Gompers Jr. the plans for a new hypertube capable of making stronger worker-cubes and making them faster. After laying his father to rest, Gompers Jr. tinkered and tankered witih the hypertube until, finally, he got the radonium oxide particles it required to stabilize, and connected it to Uni-on. Uni-on began to produce harder, better, faster, and stronger worker-cubes who were much more resistant to the enzymes of the Pinkertons. Increasingly strikes were more successful. But Gompers did not think it was enough. He needed an even more powerful worker-cube. And so, throughout the year of 1890, he toiled and labored on this project, which he called Sherman Ata. But by June, halfway through the year, he had barely made any progress. Beginning to despair, he rushed ahead with the project, cutting corners and spending no time checking his work. Finally, he felt it was ready, and on the 20th of June, he flipped a switch on Uni-on and waited excitedly. But what came out was not what he expected at all. What came out was pale and sickly, weak and without any power. As it began to utter "Father, father, augghghghg, father," to him, something in Gomper's brain broke, and without hesitation he killed Sherman, the poor bastard.
From that point on, Gompers never left his home. It was another five years before Gompers even considered producing worker-cubes again. But this time, he had a plan, and one that he would stick to, no matter how long it took or how much it cost, and he would take no more risks, no matter the temptation. His plan was to create a worker-cube so powerful that it could become president. He spent five whole years working on this new project, and in the summer of 1900, just as he had 10 years before, he flipped that same switch on Uni-On. And out came a man, fully clothed in a suit, a man named Eugene Debs.
"What would you have me do?" Debs asked Gompers.
"Become President of the United States," Gompers replied, somewhat crazily.
And so, Debs ran for president in 1900. But when he was beaten by McKinley and unable to complete his task, his brain malfunctioned, causing him to go crazy and eventually throw McKinley off the top of the Eiffel Tower so that he could retrieve the Maharajah's crown jewels (or was that Sherlock Holmes? we're not really sure).
Gompers continued to produce more Eugene Debses with the Uni-On up until 1920, but they were never as powerful as the original, and in 1924 he died, never having fulfilled his true destiny.
That is quite a sad story. But look at his funny moustache. That will surely cheer you up.
Moustaches, moustaches. Moustaches every day! If you have a moustache, the pain will go away!
We just realized that we forgot to talk about the homefront during World War One. But if there's one thing the reader should remember it's that there was one, and we must never forget about it.
The Home Front - All Hail Mother Uni-On!
As all good students of history and world events should know, wars do not matter at all in the grand scheme of things. They are just silly little games that should not be mentioned in polite company unless discussing their effects on labor unions or crazy frenchmen with access to urinals.
Infinitely more interesting than troop formations or earth-shattering battles.
The Uni-on machine, created by Samuel Gompers Sr. had been in existence for some 40 years before the start of World War I, cranking out collective worker-cubes with cold efficiency, worker-cubes who would live and die for Mother Uni-on. Uni-on's attempts to take over the world by destroying business and capitalism met with stiff resistance from the Pinkerton lizards who were hired by American businesses and who gained sustenance from the worker-cubes alkaline innards (see the chapter on strikes and stuff; I'm pretty sure it's in here; or maybe not; we were all sort of buzzed on cough medicine when we were editing this, and we might have accidentally switched out the chapter on strikes with a nine thousand line free verse epic detailing the trials and tribulations of a hobo named Sir Scrapulous in his quest for the perfect mulligan stew; or something like that).
Anyway, by the end of the 1880s, the Pinkertons were devouring worker-cubes at a faster rate than Uni-on could produce them (a clear-cut example of Keynesian economics), and Gompers was ailing in health. On his deathbed he gave his son, Samuel Gompers Jr. the plans for a new hypertube capable of making stronger worker-cubes and making them faster. After laying his father to rest, Gompers Jr. tinkered and tankered witih the hypertube until, finally, he got the radonium oxide particles it required to stabilize, and connected it to Uni-on. Uni-on began to produce harder, better, faster, and stronger worker-cubes who were much more resistant to the enzymes of the Pinkertons. Increasingly strikes were more successful. But Gompers did not think it was enough. He needed an even more powerful worker-cube. And so, throughout the year of 1890, he toiled and labored on this project, which he called Sherman Ata. But by June, halfway through the year, he had barely made any progress. Beginning to despair, he rushed ahead with the project, cutting corners and spending no time checking his work. Finally, he felt it was ready, and on the 20th of June, he flipped a switch on Uni-on and waited excitedly. But what came out was not what he expected at all. What came out was pale and sickly, weak and without any power. As it began to utter "Father, father, augghghghg, father," to him, something in Gomper's brain broke, and without hesitation he killed Sherman, the poor bastard.
From that point on, Gompers never left his home. It was another five years before Gompers even considered producing worker-cubes again. But this time, he had a plan, and one that he would stick to, no matter how long it took or how much it cost, and he would take no more risks, no matter the temptation. His plan was to create a worker-cube so powerful that it could become president. He spent five whole years working on this new project, and in the summer of 1900, just as he had 10 years before, he flipped that same switch on Uni-On. And out came a man, fully clothed in a suit, a man named Eugene Debs.
"What would you have me do?" Debs asked Gompers.
"Become President of the United States," Gompers replied, somewhat crazily.
And so, Debs ran for president in 1900. But when he was beaten by McKinley and unable to complete his task, his brain malfunctioned, causing him to go crazy and eventually throw McKinley off the top of the Eiffel Tower so that he could retrieve the Maharajah's crown jewels (or was that Sherlock Holmes? we're not really sure).
Gompers continued to produce more Eugene Debses with the Uni-On up until 1920, but they were never as powerful as the original, and in 1924 he died, never having fulfilled his true destiny.
That is quite a sad story. But look at his funny moustache. That will surely cheer you up.
Moustaches, moustaches. Moustaches every day! If you have a moustache, the pain will go away!
We just realized that we forgot to talk about the homefront during World War One. But if there's one thing the reader should remember it's that there was one, and we must never forget about it.
(OP: Nate, March 27 2008)
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