There are those in this world who can see beyond the spheres, past the primitive concepts of light and dark, good and evil, into the true horror that lurks, bristling on the edges of our world. They have been labeled insane, madmen, ragamuffins by society, when they are, in fact, the ones who can see most clearly. But if all of humanity were able to see these “creatures,” the earth would be consumed by Yog-Sothoth and cease to exist (all of this is explained in “Grant and the Most Depressing Story” by Nate in the Timezone Chronicles).
Yes, it sounds amazing, too good to be true, even splendid, nay, splendiferous, but do you know that such an occurrence almost came into being during the Presidency of Ronald Reagan. Oh, I see, you did not know. But of course. “They” have hidden these facts from the American public for fear of a mass panic (and a mass being eaten by Yog-Sothoth); by “They” I mean The Society to Prevent Earth from being Consumed by Yog-Sothoth, or SPECY. For you see, my friend, Reagan was born with the innate ability to see through worlds, but, being an actor and all, being exposed to so many fantastical non-realities in his line of work, he did not suffer the psychological damage that so many others of those who have the “sight” (term used by SPECY) have. He was also not driven mad because he was Ronald Reagan and therefore, by the 3rd Postulate of Ponicellio, awesomely manly and immune to being crazy.
Reagan’s political activity as an actor was limited to animal rights (he was deeply influenced by his time on the set of “Bedtime for Bonzo”), but, after becoming Governor of California and rising through the ranks of the Republican party in a series of events ordained by god himself/the gods themselves, or something like that, he became President of these United States of motherf***in’ America. Carter might have had something to do with Reagan’s election, but do we really want to mention Carter anymore than we already have? The answer is no, and you would be well to remember that.
Anyhoo, as president, Reagan felt it was his duty to warn America of the danger of Yog-Sothoth and to defeat the creatures beyond the spheres by any means necessary. However, Reagan’s constant acknowledgment of Yog-Sothoth with memorable speeches such as “Yog-Sothoth, tear down that sphere,” and “It’s morning in America, and everlasting night beyond the spheres," only made Yog-Sothoth stronger (since there was more fear of him for him to feed on). Finally, in 1983, Yog-Sothoth had gathered enough strength to raise R’lyeh from the non-euclidean depths from whence it had sunk so many non-euclidean eons ago (well, actually, it was sunk during the Spanish-American War, but that didn’t sound as dramatic and is a different story than the one over which you are currently rolling your eyes). The resurfacing of R’lyeh shocked American, and Reagan soon realized that the threat of Yog-Sothoth was greater than he had ever imagined.
Reagan recruited an army of America’s best lizardmen, but he had to train them quickly as the presidential election was coming up in less than a year and he needed some type of victory. He taught the lizardmen how to detect the otherwordly “creatures,” and how to destroy them, a process known as Voodoo Ergonomics that involved comfy, new age chairs and, for a strange and inexplicable reason, sacrificing poor people (because, according to Reagan, that’s how they did it in the movies). Finally, Reagan was ready to lead his army to fight the hordes of Yog-Sothoth and send R’yleh back to the ocean floor. On the way, he accidentally invaded Grenada and interfered in the factional disputes of numerous Central and South American countries, but this was all in the best interest of America so we shall talk of it no more.
After weeks of traveling and the occasional pillaging, Reagan and his lizardmen arrived at R’yleh. Indiana Jones was there too, doing something (I mean, I don’t think anybody’s really sure what he’s up to anymore), but he decided to assist Reagan in his fight. As the American army stepped onto the mossy streets of R’yleh, the acute angles began to bristle obtusely. Reagan barely had time to shout a command to his lizardmen before the legions of Yog-Sothoth began pouring out from the stony ruins. The lizardmen were almost overwhelmed by the first wave of attacks, but they stood their ground, and, after two straight days of fighting and Voodoo Ergonomics, the “creatures” were destroyed. (I would describe this fantastic scene in much more detailed prose if not for the fact that the moment I finished writing of it, and the moment you finished reading of it, we both would go incurably insane and have to be committed to some asylum for fear that we might pose a danger both to ourselves and to society at large.) As Reagan and his lizardmen left R’yleh, it simply disappeared (not dissimilar to the season finale of “Lost,” but with less pathos and with more awesome special effects).
This decisive victory over those forces beyond the spheres (and with only 19 lizardmen casualties) not only boosted Reagan’s popularity and helped him sweep the 1984 presidential election. It also greatly reduced America’s fear of Yog-Sothoth, therefore severely diminishing his power. While it wasn’t until the Bush administration that Yog-Sothoth and America began to talk about opening up the spheres, we can clearly see Reagan’s impact on these talks and on the eventual dissolution of the Yog-Sothothian Federation of Spheres.
Class Activity: Can you find the 14 otherworldly creatures in this picture? Reagan could!
(OP: Nate, June 8 2008)
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