The Before-the-War the Period, Section 6

The Invention of Darwin, And its influence on American history

The year was 1859. America was just beginning to profit from the land it gained in the Mexican American war, and Jesus' role as protector of America had been firmly established.

And then, something terrible happened. A few renegade British scientists (who were being primarily funded by a group of godless Russian communists) perfected a project known as Darwin. A deadly weapon of immense capacity, Darwin was loaded onto the HMS Beagle, the most powerful airship in the British armada. Traveling East so as to avoid the space-time rift left behind by the War of 1812, the HMS Beagle set up skycamp over the Galapagos islands, a small and insignificant chain of islands populated with strange and unique species thanks to mass mutation caused by Soviet nuclear testing years earlier. In a single shot, Darwin fired directly upon the US Capitol, mortally wounding Jesus, who fled to a temporary base on Mars before departing the solar system entirely. It is unknown to this day whether Jesus is still alive, but common lore holds that he will return at the battle of Ragnarok to fight the forces of Satan and die, once and for all, locked in battle with the Midgard Serpent. As for Darwin, it was likely destroyed when the HMS Beagle sank into the sea, its shields having been penetrated by railgun blasts from the American Navy's A-Wing fighters that had easily overpowered its British gunboat escort.

It was Jesus' last words before he died, however, that would shape American history to come. His single cry of "Aaaaargh!" was interpreted by some observers as Hopi Indian for "America must end the abominable institution of slavery," while others took it as French for "Your mother is a chicken! All glory to the White Dung Fox!" It was immediately after recommended that American public schools begin to fund actual language programs, but by this time it was too late... America had been split in two by the Great Schism, which would begin the Civil War, the bloodiest war in American history.

(OP: Abe, January 23 2007)