Pre-History and Its Culmination in the USA, Section 3

Section 3: The Graeco-Romans and the Medieval Ages

About 2 Billion years ago, the Graeco-Roman civilization was a small collection of cardboard boxes and oily spent French fry cartons at the base of the Tiber River. This asthmatic civilization was unable to inhale smoke; luckily for them, they could not smoke pot, but they did take all of the bronze age technologies from the cannabid easterners during a mid-night raid known as "the rape of Sabines." Historians are confused over this term, since it was well known that the easterners, all men, killed all women, instead gathering babies washed up on the sea shore. In any case the Graeco-Romans were not distracted by constant highness, but instead were capable of finally creating art, culture, and Roman orgies. While the Graeco-Romans flourished, the Eastern civilizations sat around as inebriated, effeminate, obese royalty. Thusly, the Graeco-Romans, descendants from Charlemagne, conquered much of the known Europe before encountering the Shoalin monks.

However, it was not to last. The Graeco-Romans, led by Julius Caesar, went to war with the Shaolin monks, only to loose after accepting a wooden horse full of a monks into the walls of Europe. Once the monks got into Europe, they burnt down the government building and the house and farm. There was nothing left.

Thusly, the Medieval Ages began, and Knights in shining armor, kings in crowns, and giant shellfish washed up confused and dazed on the beaches of Normandy after a violent storm. This age was full of chivalry, horse back riding, and princesses. The only bad things were those constant shit storms, the clouds of hate, the endless plague, the twelve hundred famines, the piss rain, the crap fields, and the houses built of damp excrement. However, people were simple and satisfied with living in a world of excretory crapiness.

But it was not to last. For the mole men, secretly working tirelessly under the earth, had not only fought off the cruel advances of the tectonic plates, but had learned to subjugate and even domesticate these noble beasts. Thusly, at the end of the Medieval ages, the Mole Men unleashed their tectonic plates against the above dwellers. No longer would the Vikings go under the tectonic plates to reach North America. No longer would the ground split in half if you asked "please," no longer would Americans fight a war against the cruel-hearted pterodactylian races from the sky.

And so, the Enlightenment and Renaissance began as soon as the Medieval Age had ended. There was no big 'boom,' it was just like before: artists and thinkers and snobs washed up on beaches in northern Italy by the thousands. They repopulated decimated Europe and fought of the mole men and tectonic plates.

(OP: Ben, November 2 2006)