The Colonial Era, Section 2

Jamestown: Portal to Hell!

As news of the disaster at Roanoke reached the England, people took to the streets demanding the right to free toothpaste and the guarantee that their floss would be protected from the roving bands of dentists gone mad, aptly known as Louis the XIV, that terrorized the English countryside from 1585 to 1689; the impact of their destruction and pillaging can be seen in the awful state of British teeth today. The monarch at the time, Elizabeth the First, quickly defused the situation by declaring that another voyage be made to the new world with enough floss and toothpaste for everyone. She was unwilling to give the peasantry the right to toothpaste, as she was a staunch defender of the Anglican church, which for some reason forbade the use of toothpaste; evidence of this can be seen from Queen Elizabeth's terrible teeth, which were painted a different color every season to please the superstitious head of the navy, a young Horatio Nelson, whose career was to peak 200 years later at the Battle of Trafalgar Square (more into that later). The conflict between the supporters of toothpaste and the anti-toothpastians was to eventually result in 3 Civil wars in england taking part over the best part of a century and ending only with the Parliament passing "The Revered Toothpaste Laws of Tacoma" to much critical acclaim in 1690.

And so this new voyage set out, their boat laden with floss and toothpaste, and their hearts hopeful for the future. Then they reached Virginia and found out they had filled the boat entirely with floss and toothpaste and had not brought any food or means to build a shelter. It was with slightly less hopeful hearts that they began to starve and freeze to death, but at least with clean teeth.

The year was now 1611, and King James I was hoping to find a scapegoat for the current Jamestown debacle in order to distract the people from his ineffectual and unpopular "Clean Teeth and Catholic Soul" regime. So he executed Sir Walter Raleigh, as any blue-blooded American would and should do, and the people were happy. But Sir Walter Raleigh's soul didn't go to one of the many Buddhist heavens (he was a Buddhist); it stayed on earth because he had to avenge the disaster at Roanoke by saving the people of Jamestown. Only then could his soul rest. So Sir Walter went around London, looking for the ideal host body, until he finally found and inhabitated an up-and-coming young prison snitch named John Smith...

(OP: Nate, January 22 2007)