TIME-ZONE! Civil War Kronicles, Part 2

"Where are we?" asked Davis, screaming.
"Um, I think the 1850s" Lincoln replied.
"The 1850s! Dear god! The coming crisis!!!!!!" shouted Davis as he ran off.

TIMEZONE!!!!!!!

"Hey grandpa, tell us about the Civil War!" A rotund child, his face smeared with chocolate and dirt, waddled up to Ulysees S. Grant, who had - up until this very moment - been sitting peacefully in a rocking chair on his porch smoking a cigar. Grant ignored the child.
"Hey Grandpa! pleasegrandpa! comeongrandpa! Iwannahearastorygrandpa!" shouted the kid again, who proceeded to take Grant's cigar and eat it.
"Jeezus Billy! I tell you that story every goddamned week! Don't you kids have anything better to do than to bother me while I'm smoking?" he shouted back, "Are you deaf or just fat?" Grant laughed, coughing up his spleen.
"But Grandpa, you tell the story so well. Maybe we could hear about the COMING CRISIS instead." That was from the other kid. He looked normal, but you could never tell what he was thinking. With the fat one, you were okay. He didn't think at all. But something wasn't right about this kid. "It's those shifty eyes of his," thought Grant. Aloud.
"Hey," came a shout from the kitchen, "Dad, will you stop making fun of my son's eyes? It's not his fault he has crossedeyetinitis."
"Son." stated Grant, "What in the hell are you talking about?" He felt a tug at his pants. It was Portly again.
"What happened to the story?"
"Portly,.... I mean Billy, why would I possibly want to tell you that story again?"
"Because I hid your cigars," said Shifty.
"Goddammnit!"
"Hey!" said the voice from the kitchen.
"Ok," said Grant through his teeth, "You want a story. Well I can't give you a story because I was high on peyote throughout the 1860s. And I was drinking a bottle of rum an hour. There. Great story. Now where are my cigars?"
"That was a crappy story," said Shifty.
"What's peyote?" asked Portly.
"Hey! No more peyote talk, Dad. We discussed this," shouted the voice from the kitchen.
"Look. I'll tell you one story, and then you're gonna give me my cigars and stay the hell off of my porch," fumed Grant.
"Sure," said Shifty, "Now make with the story."
"Well," said Grant slowly, "here's the story of John Brown's Raid and the start of the Civil War."

TIMEZONE!!!!!!!

"Stanley, look at me! We can't go on like this. If anyone should find out about us, then I'd lose my job at the magazine company, and Luke would go into a coma, and Mary would divorce Adrian, and Sue would become a lesbian, and Luke would wake up and get amnesia. Don't you see?"
"Barbara my darling, I would love you no matter what the risks, no matter what your job, rich or poor, fish-person or non-fish-person."
The doors swing open.
"Barbara, I'm home. I've got big news. I've been.......Stanley? What are you doing here!"
"Dagon, it's not what it looks like."
"Well it sure looks like something!"
"Dagon!"
"Barbara!"
"Stanley!"
"Barbara!"

TIMEZONE!!!!!!

"-and in recent news, Vice President Dick Cheney has just detonated a thermonuclear bomb in Providence, Rhode Island. Here to discuss this event and its impact, is Republican strategist, Dick Dickerson. Dick, your views."
"Well Bob, it was only a matter of time before Cheney was forced to unleash his awesome wrath upon the unknowing denizens of a small New England state, but I think the real issue at hand is how this effects the Democratic presidential race. After all, Hillary Clinton's first name has two of the same letters as the first word in Rhode Island. Now, if we add up every other letter in Spaghetti, and superimpose a verse from Kabbalah on the corresponding page number in the necronomicon, the picture becomes a bit clearer...."

TIMEZONE!!!!

(OP: Nate, February 22 2008)