Sir Walter Raleigh, heretoafter referred as John Smith in this incarnation, was eager to get to the new world, especially since the Italian mafia was threatening to throw him into the Thames with "Custard shoes" because of his prison-snitching. Smith needed a ship and a crew, and in order to get this he needed money, which he got by stealing from Smith's Trading Company, making him the first anarcho-capitalist. And so, in January 1617, John Smith set out in a rusty old bathtub with a crew of Bergamoan mole men irregulars - the mole men of Bergamo are some of the hardiest, bravest, and most disloyal mole men to come out of Europe since Nlx'gar the Bodacious (known by his more formal name, Christopher Columbus) who discovered America for the superterranean mole men and invented the portable mustache curler - across the Atlantic (Smith spent most of the money he'd stolen on his rather expensive personal habit - snorting diamonds).
8 months later, after an arduous adventure and an annoying alliteration, John Smith and his Bergamoan mole men irregulars arrived at Jamestown. After looting the helpless Jamestownians in an event known as "The Bonfire of the Vanities", the mole men ran off and founded New York (as we shall see in later chapters, the mole men are a key part of the history of NY). However, John Smith was not disheartened. He was in fact crazy. The continuing struggle between his mind and Sir Walter Raleigh's minds turned John Smith insane. He took command of the starving people and established himself as the enlightened despot of Porktania (as he was to rename Jamestown). He hired bears to perform operas for him, and he followed the Enlightenment ideal of nature and clarity by burning down the townspeople's houses every month for his birthday celebration.
By 1618, the people of Jamestown were fed up (or dead from starvation). So they decided to do the only thing they could think of: make a deal with the devil. The deal was really only involved with trade between Jamestown and Hell; but it was an important precedent for American history. For this was the first time in a history that a group of people had sat down and decided to draft a deal with the devil; it was the first, but definitely not the last time that the American people would do so. The devil, for his part, was eager to revitalize Hell's economy, which had been stagnating because of the 1609 recession (and because of brimstone). John Smith died in 1621, after four years of oppressive ruling, when he tried to eat all the dirt in Porktania to show the talking trees in his house that he could rule the world. Jamestown reverted to its original name and began to grow and thrive with the help of its trading partner, Hell.
A 17th century woodcut depicting the mole men of Bergamo terrorizing a young Jamestownian during the "Bonfire of the Vanities"
(OP: Nate, January 23 2007)
8 months later, after an arduous adventure and an annoying alliteration, John Smith and his Bergamoan mole men irregulars arrived at Jamestown. After looting the helpless Jamestownians in an event known as "The Bonfire of the Vanities", the mole men ran off and founded New York (as we shall see in later chapters, the mole men are a key part of the history of NY). However, John Smith was not disheartened. He was in fact crazy. The continuing struggle between his mind and Sir Walter Raleigh's minds turned John Smith insane. He took command of the starving people and established himself as the enlightened despot of Porktania (as he was to rename Jamestown). He hired bears to perform operas for him, and he followed the Enlightenment ideal of nature and clarity by burning down the townspeople's houses every month for his birthday celebration.
By 1618, the people of Jamestown were fed up (or dead from starvation). So they decided to do the only thing they could think of: make a deal with the devil. The deal was really only involved with trade between Jamestown and Hell; but it was an important precedent for American history. For this was the first time in a history that a group of people had sat down and decided to draft a deal with the devil; it was the first, but definitely not the last time that the American people would do so. The devil, for his part, was eager to revitalize Hell's economy, which had been stagnating because of the 1609 recession (and because of brimstone). John Smith died in 1621, after four years of oppressive ruling, when he tried to eat all the dirt in Porktania to show the talking trees in his house that he could rule the world. Jamestown reverted to its original name and began to grow and thrive with the help of its trading partner, Hell.
A 17th century woodcut depicting the mole men of Bergamo terrorizing a young Jamestownian during the "Bonfire of the Vanities"
(OP: Nate, January 23 2007)
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