The Colonial Era, Section 13

Despite the American's pluck and determination, despite their sheer gosh-darnedness, they did not actually have good army. And even though the optimistic smiles on their cherubic faces did not cease to fade, even after the british army had completely destroyed Connecticut, a fact which to this day Connectites still refuse to accept, the revolutionary leaders began to realize that the only way to make their ragtag band of country militias into an effective fighting machine was to have a good leader. so they put up posters all around the colonies, asking for a general. And they waited.

The following presentation is a dramatization of actual events. Viewers not advised:
"wake up George! I gotta open up the bar!"
George Washington cringed as Sal, the friendly neighborhood bartender, poked him in the crotch with a broomstick. He slowly opened his eyes. He saw linoleum. He rolled over and realized that he'd fallen asleep in the bar again. "Sorry Sal," he said as he got up slowly,"I guess I just had a few too many last night."
"Well it ain't the first time."
"Sorry."
"Hey, c'mon. Look at yourself. Your a mess. Pathetic. You gotta find yourself a steady job again."
"I know, but I just haven't been able to concentrate on anything since Martha left. Once she was gone, I left Virginia too, to do some soul-searching. But I just sort of wandered until I came here."
"You wanna know why she left you in the first place. She did it because you weren't able to concentrate. You never listened to her."
"Wow Sal, you sure know I lot about relationships."
"Well that's why they call me Sal, the friendly neighborhood bartender. ["Sal the friendly neighborhood bartender" is a registered trademark of the hit Fox show, The Sal the Friendly Neighborhood Bartender Show]. Now get the hell out of my bar!" He held his broomstick menacingly.
George stepped out into the harsh light of early morning Philadelphia.
"Hey buddy! Watch where you're stepping!" said a phriendly Philadelphian as he shoved George into a lamppost. He hit his crotch again and double over. On the ground he noticed a dirty, ripped, piece of paper in a puddle that read: 12 wevolutionawies wooking for a genewow to wead us into battow. Wiw pay in optimism. Pwease
"This is it!" said George, "Once I teach these inner city school children how to play baseball, I'll have a job, and Martha will come back to me."
He hadn't actually read the letter, but had only seen the address where the revolutionaries were lodging. This misunderstanding on his part was to play a crucial part in the Revolutionary War, eventually and completely implausibly turning the tide against the British.


The Revolutionary Army as George Washington imaged it would look. When drunk and without his wig, he bore an uncanny resemblance to then not-born Keanu Reeves.

(OP: Nate, September 23 2007)