The Colonial Era, Section 5

By now at least 209 colonies were established along the American coast, altogether holding 70 people. Yes, there were fewer people than colonies, but the problem, which had arisen due to the Baroque-era practice of
"cutte and runne if ye Indianes coome",
was solved when one April morning a cloud of Aphrodisiac-bearing soot from the new fleet of English "panda-kidney-burning" sea ships from colonies in China passed through the Atlantic on their way to Taiwan. The cloud stayed over the eastern sea board for some 3 years. Consequently, the population increased 8700 fold, each woman bearing approximately 4,350 children, and nearly 30 men died of exhaustion by the end of the 3 years.


A Panda-kidney-burning steam ship is seem pumping out tons of burnt panda kidney ash, renowned for its aphrodisiac qualities

In any case, the new, revitalized America was now set for growth. Immigrants started to come from Europe, driven West by the "crispy brown wild rice famine" and the "persimmon pudding famine" (both foods were essential to the 17th Century diet). The later "potato famine" of Ireland killed far fewer, since Potatoes at the time were a minor dessert delicacy only affordable to the rich (why would the lack of such a non-essential food kill so many? For the answer, ).

The colonies were organized by England at one time or another under such dubious titles as "Her Royal Highnesses' Racket and Tennis Club" and "Ocean Pub Chips and Games." This was only the first of many insults thrown by the British at the Americans, who felt disrespected and unloved by their maternal source, resulting in many Freudian complexes such as "Military might," "The Mexican-American War," and the "Vietnam War," among others.

(OP: Ben, January 23 2007)