The Mexican-American War of 1753 was the result of the snobbish policies of Whittinton Hemsworth's conservatives in the British Parliament. In an effort to exert more control over the American colonies, the parliament sent Jesus to America in 1751 to take control and rule as he deemed necessary (after his second coming after the European age of Entertainment and Expansion, Jesus was deposed of his throne in heaven when the apostles decided they wanted a kleptocracy instead of a divine leader who was the son of god; Jesus was welcomed with open arms by William and Mary of England and was made into an honorary MP). In what is now known as Jesus' Third Coming, Jesus arrived in Jamestown and began to set up a stall in the town square, giving free lemonade to everyone who joined him. However, he met stiff resistance from the Devil, who had been in conflict with Britian for over a century about who had control over the colony of Virginia. A full fledged colonial gang war began between Jesus and the Devil, but after 3 short and bloody battles (one of them with Jamestown's rivals in soccer, the Smithton Buccaneers) it was clear that Jesus had won. The first part of The Treaty of Twin Peaks, signed by Jesus and the devil in 1752, gave Jesus control of all the American colonies, not including Georgia, which the devil was allowed to keep in order that he might challenge unsuspecting people to fiddling competitions, and the Devil retained his possessions in Hell. The second part, kept secret from the panicky colonists, guarenteed that the devil would be an ally of Jesus and the American colonies in the upcoming war with Mexico. For Jesus, a quite brilliant strategist, had seen that the only way to truly unite America under his rule would be with a war....a war against Mexico.
And so, in 1753 Jesus with a combined force of American and British soldiers and the Devil with his unholy army marched on the Alamo, in what is now Texas. It was also Texas back then, as King George II of England had recently acquired it after defeating the Spanish in a war in Europe. This fact did not deter Jesus, who marched on with his armies. He defeated the Texans at the Alamo easily, but he did not decide to any farther into Mexico. His plan had succeeded already, and when he came back to Jamestown, he and the British peoples were greeted by much cheering and hurrahs. The colonies would remain united peacefully under England for another 23 years, but it was the Veitnam War, 15 years later, that would plant the seeds of the roots of the American War of Independence.
As I have mentioned, Jesus' horse-riding at the Battle of the Alamo finally made the horse popular after years of people riding giant, horrific, reptilian things.
The devil is seen here in a Diego Rivera mural of the Battle of the Alamo riding a death-horse. While death-horses were popular for a few months, the fad never really caught on, due to the tendency of the rider to die when they touched the death-horse.
(OP: Nate, January 23 2007)
The Veitnam War
The Veitnam war of 1768, not to be confused with the Vietnam war of the 20th century, took place in the small town of Veitnam outside of New York City. It will be remembered by more attentive students of this class that the Bergamoan mole men on John Smith's atlantic voyage had founded the city 140 years early. Adopting the principles of the baroque, which was in fashion at the time, they estalished a government based on civil war. While the city grew slowly, by the early 18th century it had become the largest port in the colonies and was becoming the envy of the world, both super and subterranean.
In 1766, the British had taken the city of Quebec (in modern-day Canada) by force. This was just one part of the King George II war with France. This had begun as the result of a friendly swimming competition across the English Channel between King Louis XV of France and King George II of England; so completely had Louis defeated the obese, balding, and (by the time the race was over) dead English monarch that the enraged English peoples declared war on the French. After the invasion of Quebec, the French decided to capture New York, which they had been eyeing anyways for the previous 50 years. With the help of the court Sybil, Louis XV determined that by taking the village of Veitnam, he would been in an excellent position to take New York. The French armies poured into Veitnam only to find that its 15 elderly residents were still sleeping. The bewilderment of the French gave the British forces, led by a young George Washington, enough time to set up a primitive stargate around the enemy's armies. By the time the french had found out about it, Washington and his troops activated the stargate, and the French armies were transported to the 6th dimension, where they were to remain until the peace accords had been signed. This decisive victory caused the French to lose their resolve for the war, and they eventually agreed to a truce with the British. The following peace treaty gave the British control over all the land in America that wasn't Spanish (the iriquois delegate had unfortunately missed his horse that day and had not made it to the signing of the peace treaty), in return for the blood of every American child for the French (the French delegate at the peace accords was a vampire). This, however, was eventually to prove unpopular to the American people, leading to the Revolutionary War.
Still shot from the universally reviled 1947 British propaganda film George II, Portrait of an English Swimmer.
George Washington, as seen by the French troops vanishing through the stargate.
Next: The Revolutionary War or How Many Brits Does It Take To Screw In A Lightbulb?
(OP: Nate, February 2 2007)
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