Commentaries of St. Herb of Byzantium on the Scourage of Ochlochary and Vagabondism

Excerpts from an address by St. Herb to the Council of Trebizond concerning the true nature of Christ-our-savior, whether he be Human-like, Octopus-like, or Squid-like in Physical manifestation. The proceedings of the Council of Trebizond were recorded by a visitor from the Kingdom of West Frankia, Monsieur Frocce D'Gill, a travelling nobleman on a quest to find the Jewel-Encrusted Broach that St. Peter wore whilst being fed to Lions (Lions was a famous Roman speed-eater who once ate 52 hotdogs and 23 Christian martyrs in thirty minutes, beating his rival Scorgy by 10 hotdogs and 2 martyrs, although no one could beat Scorgy when it came to rapidly consuming German barbarians—no one).

[St. Herb, then known as the Bishop Borgor the Regrettable, stands before the Council of the Church of the Roman East and begins his speech]

"Yea my most worthy sons, yea. For in the fourth year of the rule of the Emperor Theodocianus XXVIII the Unreasonable, son of the Gaspard the German, son of St. Helborn the Lamb-slayer, spawn of the Crab Emperor Gordanox, the first missionaries of the Arian-Monophysite-Heretical Church of Ochloch arrived in the Great, the Very Powerful, and Most Resplendent City of Constantinople; the City Garlanded by Water; the City of the Golden Horn; the City in Which Does Not Reside the Heretical Excommunicated Pontiff of Rome; the Not Heretical City; the City of Many Churches and Several Jewel Encrusted Broaches; the City Intolerant of Blaspheming Jews Except When They Provide Essential Services, Such as Loans and Medicine; the City that will be Captured by the Turk.”

[St. Herb was renowned for his prophetic abilities, although they were often flawed in some subtle manner. For instance, when he foresaw that Constantinople would be conquered by “the Turk,” he really thought that a lone half-man-turkey (who had strayed from his nomadic “Turkish” flock on the Asian steppes) would capture the city briefly in 1098 by sitting in the Emperor’s vacant throne, but that the Emperor, after returning from the Imperial toilets, would promptly slaughter the Turkman and serve it for the Imperial Thanksgiving luncheon. Its feathers, renowned for their softness, would be used to stuff the Imperial Pillows and Imperial Edicts.]

“I believe it is known to you, most excellent sons of the True Church, how diligently I have struggled to secure the Holy Mission against heresies, damned heresies, and statistics, how frequently I have, without hesitation or regret, and certainly with the utmost joy, killed and disemboweled Heretics who believe Christ to be of one substance and one spirit.”

[the assembled Theo-priests gasp in unison at the word “and”]

“Not until that unhallowed arrival of the insidious Ochlarinarians did this new question arise: is Jesus Christ our Lord and Savior a Divine Entity similar in appearance to a Man or similar in appearance to a man-octopoid abomination--a Manopoid ... or Octoman? To all True believers of the True Faith, there is but one obvious answer: he was neither Man nor Manopoid, but rather a sort of Walrus-Bat with three gleaming tusks of pure gold.”

[this Walro-Bat theory was later seen by historians as a compromise between the competing theories of the Ochlocharians, who demanded some sort of marine creature, the Mammalists, who thought that Christ could take any form at all so long as that form was that of mammal, and the Bullionarians, who believed that Christ must have been made of pure gold (or at least that he contained some golden appendage, organ, or tissue (said tissue was most frequently thought to be the cerebro-spinal fluid)), since said metal is the most perfect of all substances, and the only one fit to constitute the most perfect of all men. Obviously, the three tusks of pure gold represented Christ’s dedication to self-flagellation, charity, and covering one’s self with flagella.]

[ultimately, however, St. Herb’s compromise managed to alienate the Ochlocharians, the Mammalists, and the Bullionarians, although Walro-batism gained a sizeable following among the city’s most important and influential demographic: the mentally feeble/members of the royal family]

“Now…now calm down! Just calm down there! Ok…ok, good. Let’s just all take a break. …oh…oh yeah Borjonius…well, well you can go… well, how d’you think that makes Walruses feel? Huh? Just, just ask yourself that… o-…OK!?

[several Bishops rush the podium and carry off St. Herb; he is last seen screaming Walro-Bat blasphemies as he is pulled down into the throng of probably cannibalistic Theo-priests. St. Herb was later canonized only because the insane Emperor Lupinus I (who believed that he suffered from a form of werewolfism timed not to the cycles of the moon, but to the cycles of his heart-beat) had a fondness for gold-plated walrus tusks, although this was true throughout Europe at the time]

The Journeys of OCHLOCH: The Journeys of OCHLOCH Begin

The Journeys of OCHLOCH

Abridged and by Ma’achloyoch Conrad Fitzhugh and updated according to the doctrine of the Ochlochian Church

mori tempus flori nunc ut flagellum Ochlochi vinciat


In the ancient times, before OCHLOCH had fulfilled its chosen destiny, there existed an ancient kingdom, an underwater kingdom, an ancient underwater kingdom, the ancient underwater kingdom of the molluscs, Gorthtab. Though some question Gorthtab’s existence, there are written account of its mottled spires dating back to the Phoenicians. Even the great philosopher Aristotle was aware of its presence, though when he saw it he referred to it as Atlantis due to the fact that he was on a 3-year kelp-induced philosophy binge.

Ruled by the powerful Molluz ‘Car, Gorthtab was a peaceful and prosperous society but also oh so very wicked as its subjects worshipped the sea, the kelp, the sun, and all manner of nonsensically natural manifestations of their unnamed and idolatrous creator (yes, though the Gorthtabians, indeed all peoples and molluscs alive before the time of OCHLOCH, were not able to convert to Ochlochism since OCHLOCH had not spread its message to the world at that point in time, they, like all others who defame the holy name of OCHLOCH, are still doomed to float through the horrors of the air as ghosts, with the land and water forever in their wretched sight!). Not much is known about Molluz “Car, and even though all evidence points to the conclusion that he was the OCHLOCH’s father, he most certainly was not, for then OCHLOCH would not be the son of Father H.A.M. and would thus not be divine.

Molluz ‘Car’s son and heir to the throne was the Prince Taran Uchla. Uchla lived a debauched life, relying on his father’s position and prestige to get him anything he desired, unaware and uncaring of the consequences of his actions, one of the type who would give annoying nicknames to his acquaintances (later banned by Izakhael in Commandment #782; for more information see Conrad Fitzhugh’s “1,001 Commandments the Good Ochlochian Should Follow on a Daily Basis” - the prophet Izakhael had a commandment for every one of his thousands of pet peeves). Uchla’s parties and feasts were offenses to both the eyes and noses of the morally upstanding: lascivious women, unwashed hands, off-color humor, and whale-loads of pickled herring, pickled sardines, and pickled kelp (the constant presence of ocean water made varieties in cuisine a rarity).

The good Gorthtabians put up with this type of behavior, so great was their reverence for Molluz ‘Car and his family, but it was not to last. There arrived at the court of Molluz ‘Car a sunfish, Sprilk the Younger, nephew of the Emperor of Kelptopia, the most powerful empire of the sea (this too Aristotle referred to as Atlantis - there would be much more historical and scientific proof for its existence in this book, but we would not want to distract from the teachings of OCHLOCH! MOVING ON!). Alerted as of Sprilk’s presence, a considerably drunk Uchla resolved to eat him, and thus acted accordingly (we reenact this during the first night of Flornbenoch). Molluz ‘Car immediately banished Uchla above the water in order to appease the emperor of Kelptopia.

And so Uchla departed from Gorthtab with 15 bags of kelp wine and pure Kelptopian hashish, quite unaware that anything significant had occurred in the last 2 months. The two friends accompanying him, the clam Beifalvor and the snail Gazterpon, were similarly oblivious, both believing that all three were heading to the Gulf of Mexico for a week to “par-tae” down. And so, it was with much more than dismay that Uchla, Beifalvor, and Gazterpon found themselves with the Royal Gorthtabian Guard forcibly escorting them to a desolate beach on the Dalmatian coast of the Adriatic Sea in the Balkans.

The three wandered on the beach for hours before they could go for no longer, falling to the ground, waiting for death to come. But suddenly on a nearby cliff they witnessed an ink blob, growing and continually changing shape. And they heard a humming. And the humming boomed out, “TARAN UCHLA!” as it finally took a form.
From the ground Uchla waved a lone tentacle lazily in the air as he responded, “Yo.”
“UCHLA! YOU HAVE LIVED EGREGIOUSLY YOUR LIFE. YOU MUST CHANGE YOUR WAYS!”
“Hey man, what’s the deal? I mean, I could totally go for a brew right now. I’m suffering down here.”
“QUIET! YOU HAVE LIVED A LIFE OF SPOILED LUXURY! YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND THE MEANING OF SUFFERING!”
“Wow, chill. Who are you?”
“I AM GOD! NO, REALLY, I AM GOD. I AM H.A.M. I CREATED YOU, YOUR FRIENDS, THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE! OH, AND YOU’RE MY SON, WHICH MEANS YOU HAVE TO EXPERIENCE SUFFERING AND LEARN OF THE TRUE NATURE OF HUMAN NATURE SO THAT YOU MAY LEAD THE ENTIRETY OF HUMANITY TO A BLESSED ETERNITY IN MY DOMAIN!”
“...”
“LOOK, HERE’S THE DEAL. I SHALL FILL YOUR MOUTH WITH HOLY WATER SO YOU MIGHT NOT SPEAK BUT HEAR ONLY. IF YOU SHOULD OPEN YOUR MOUTH, YOU WILL RELEASE THE WATER AND DIE A HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE, TERRIBLE, HORRIBLE DEATH! THIS SHALL BE YOUR FIRST TRIAL. THEN YOU SHALL TRAVEL ALL THE KNOWN LANDS OF EUROPE AND ASIA TO LEARN ABOUT HUMANKIND UNTIL SUCH TIME AS YOU FULLY UNDERSTAND THEIR NATURE. AT THAT TIME YOU SHALL KNOW WHAT YOU MUST DO, AND AFTERWORDS YOU SHALL JOIN ME IN HEAVEN TO WATCH AND GUARD OVER THE HUMANS!”
“Dude, Taran would never do that!” shouted Beifalvor.
Gazterpon joined in with “Yeah!” while Uchla responded with “No way!”
H.A.M. shot out a bolt of lightning, and Beifalvor disappeared into a pile of ash.
Gazterpon and Uchla looked at each other, then back at H.A.M. as they shouted “Way!”

And thus began the Journeys of Wise OCHLOCH.

[there's more, but I'll post ochloch's journeys up to his horrible, horrible, terrible, horrible death sometime later this week; also, I couldn't get the picture of H.A.M. to face the right way, but below the drawing it says Father H.A.M.]