Excerpts from an address by St. Herb to the Council of Trebizond concerning the true nature of Christ-our-savior, whether he be Human-like, Octopus-like, or Squid-like in Physical manifestation. The proceedings of the Council of Trebizond were recorded by a visitor from the Kingdom of West Frankia, Monsieur Frocce D'Gill, a travelling nobleman on a quest to find the Jewel-Encrusted Broach that St. Peter wore whilst being fed to Lions (Lions was a famous Roman speed-eater who once ate 52 hotdogs and 23 Christian martyrs in thirty minutes, beating his rival Scorgy by 10 hotdogs and 2 martyrs, although no one could beat Scorgy when it came to rapidly consuming German barbarians—no one).
[St. Herb, then known as the Bishop Borgor the Regrettable, stands before the Council of the Church of the Roman East and begins his speech]
"Yea my most worthy sons, yea. For in the fourth year of the rule of the Emperor Theodocianus XXVIII the Unreasonable, son of the Gaspard the German, son of St. Helborn the Lamb-slayer, spawn of the Crab Emperor Gordanox, the first missionaries of the Arian-Monophysite-Heretical Church of Ochloch arrived in the Great, the Very Powerful, and Most Resplendent City of Constantinople; the City Garlanded by Water; the City of the Golden Horn; the City in Which Does Not Reside the Heretical Excommunicated Pontiff of Rome; the Not Heretical City; the City of Many Churches and Several Jewel Encrusted Broaches; the City Intolerant of Blaspheming Jews Except When They Provide Essential Services, Such as Loans and Medicine; the City that will be Captured by the Turk.”
[St. Herb was renowned for his prophetic abilities, although they were often flawed in some subtle manner. For instance, when he foresaw that Constantinople would be conquered by “the Turk,” he really thought that a lone half-man-turkey (who had strayed from his nomadic “Turkish” flock on the Asian steppes) would capture the city briefly in 1098 by sitting in the Emperor’s vacant throne, but that the Emperor, after returning from the Imperial toilets, would promptly slaughter the Turkman and serve it for the Imperial Thanksgiving luncheon. Its feathers, renowned for their softness, would be used to stuff the Imperial Pillows and Imperial Edicts.]
“I believe it is known to you, most excellent sons of the True Church, how diligently I have struggled to secure the Holy Mission against heresies, damned heresies, and statistics, how frequently I have, without hesitation or regret, and certainly with the utmost joy, killed and disemboweled Heretics who believe Christ to be of one substance and one spirit.”
[the assembled Theo-priests gasp in unison at the word “and”]
“Not until that unhallowed arrival of the insidious Ochlarinarians did this new question arise: is Jesus Christ our Lord and Savior a Divine Entity similar in appearance to a Man or similar in appearance to a man-octopoid abomination--a Manopoid ... or Octoman? To all True believers of the True Faith, there is but one obvious answer: he was neither Man nor Manopoid, but rather a sort of Walrus-Bat with three gleaming tusks of pure gold.”
[this Walro-Bat theory was later seen by historians as a compromise between the competing theories of the Ochlocharians, who demanded some sort of marine creature, the Mammalists, who thought that Christ could take any form at all so long as that form was that of mammal, and the Bullionarians, who believed that Christ must have been made of pure gold (or at least that he contained some golden appendage, organ, or tissue (said tissue was most frequently thought to be the cerebro-spinal fluid)), since said metal is the most perfect of all substances, and the only one fit to constitute the most perfect of all men. Obviously, the three tusks of pure gold represented Christ’s dedication to self-flagellation, charity, and covering one’s self with flagella.]
[ultimately, however, St. Herb’s compromise managed to alienate the Ochlocharians, the Mammalists, and the Bullionarians, although Walro-batism gained a sizeable following among the city’s most important and influential demographic: the mentally feeble/members of the royal family]
“Now…now calm down! Just calm down there! Ok…ok, good. Let’s just all take a break. …oh…oh yeah Borjonius…well, well you can go… well, how d’you think that makes Walruses feel? Huh? Just, just ask yourself that… o-…OK!?
[several Bishops rush the podium and carry off St. Herb; he is last seen screaming Walro-Bat blasphemies as he is pulled down into the throng of probably cannibalistic Theo-priests. St. Herb was later canonized only because the insane Emperor Lupinus I (who believed that he suffered from a form of werewolfism timed not to the cycles of the moon, but to the cycles of his heart-beat) had a fondness for gold-plated walrus tusks, although this was true throughout Europe at the time]
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