In 1204, the Ochlochinarian mission to Constantinople failed spectacularly when St. Herb the Inedible proposed a compromise Christian-Octopoid faith (Walro-Batism) to the hungry Council of Trebizond. Although the Bishop was most unhappily murdered by his ravenous fellows of the cloth, most of his leather-tough and astringent body was spared the ritual cannibalistic rites to which most heretics were subjected. On an unrelated note, mystery-meat pasta sold for only two drachma in Constantinople the next day.
Subsequently, most of the True Believers in the Eastern Empire were arrested, gathered together, and prepared for public execution and BBQ. Fortunately, the Doge of Venice was a secret (and blind/decrepit) Ochlochinarian himself. To rescue his coreligionists from certain execution and probable cannibalism, he managed to single-handedly redirect the entire Fourth Crusade to Constantinople by paddling vigorously with his single good hand. Upon arriving at the walls of The City, the Crusaders mistook the place for Egypt and proceeded to sack it. The Byzantines, for their part, mistook the invading Crusaders for the Heavenly armies of the Archangel Michael and promptly surrendered.
Crusaders were shocked to find that, after only a one-day siege, the citizens of Constantinople had resorted to cannibalism with abandon. The Citizens were too busy feasting to notice the horrified faces of the Archangel Michael and his Heavenly companions.
Despite the Doge’s best efforts, most of the Ochlochinarian prisoners were taken as slaves by the Crusaders (the remainder attempted to join Ochloch in the inky waters of the Bosporus, waters that are unusually sinky for non-swimmers). Thence the Latin armies marched East for the Third City of the Empire, TREBIZOND. (Nicaea, the Second City of the Empire, held its title merely as a courtesy and was definitely not worth attacking or filled with gold-encrusted broaches, said the helpful local guides). Upon reaching TREBIZOND, the Crusaders realized that “Egypt” sure had a lot of lush grass and verdant pastures, maybe too many pastures, and it sure wasn’t the desert they were told about…so they married local girls and became shepherds.
The Ochlochinarian prisoners, now free, dilly-dallied into TREBIZOND, now an independent claimant of the Throne of Byzantium, and thus began the most glorious and famous period in the History of Ochloch.
