The Journeys of Ochloch: The Journeys of Ochloch End

Taran Uchla, having thus begun the Journeys of Wise Ochloch, was now in the form we now know as having been known as the OCHLOCH. And lo did he rise up upon inky wings to fulfill the tentacled destiny that was his and the world’s to be fulfilled until his horrible, horrible, terrible, horrible death!

- from “The Road Blessed Traveled: One Snail’s Journey with the Lord” by Gazterpon





The fragments of Gazterpon’s memoirs that have managed to survive the collective onslaught of multiple millennia are not especially revealing about the life of Taran Uchla (nor are they particularly instructive in any sense of the word), but they do give us a feeling for that world-changing moment when Uchla became Ochloch. At that moment Uchla* could feel the holy water pressing up against his beak, and so he knew that the words of Father H.A.M. were true. But the inks on the cliff wall in front of him had disappeared - H.A.M. was gone, and Ochloch was heaped with masses of uncertainty. And so he perched Gazterpon upon his shoulder**, and together they flew off into the night.

They initially sought refuge with a family of Thracian pig farmers, but the pig farmers violently and quite irrationally turned away the giant, flying, mute mollusc***. But Ochloch had naught to fear, for the holy water placed in his mouth by Father H.A.M. provided him with warmth and sustenance, such that he would never have need for food nor shelter ever again.

This was not, however, the case for Gazterpon, who, despite having experienced the glory of Father H.A.M, was still a snail, and three days of riding on Ochloch’s shoulder through the cold and lightning and without any food or water most assuredly did him in (the romp through the Scythian salt plains did not help either). Thus was another martyr lost for the cause of Ochloch!, the first of course being Beifalvor. (Though Gazterpon and Beifalvor were never converts to Ochlochism, their martyrdoms along with the fact that they were the first to witness Ochloch’s divinity upgraded them to the status of Lords with +5 defense, thus allowing them to enter heaven and the divine embrace of Father H.A.M.’s comforting, and without a doubt masculine, bosom****).

Upon throwing Gazterpon’s dessicated carcass into the Black Sea, Ochloch suddenly felt a great urge to go East. And thus began the most important part of his Journeys. Modern histororeligiosity has been able to trace Ochloch’s route from his humble beginnings in Dalmatia and Thrace to his slow understanding of the nature of the human condition in the Anatolian and Caucasian settlements he visited through his solitary trek across the Central Asian steppes and Siberia up to his final horrible, horrible, terrible, horrible death upon the shores of the Kamchatka*****. For those anxious to learn the tales of the Silent Judge, the Black Shore, or the Strange Milesians (to name a few among the many), do not worry. The various places Ochloch visited and the people he met in his travels, as well as his complex spiritual transformation, are too numerous to mention in this brief account and will surely be covered in a later publication******.

Suffice it to say, once Ochloch had learned of humans and their ways, he realized it was time for him to leave the humans he had grown to love and fly off across the Asian continent. Settling down on a beach of what is now the Sea Okhotsk, he finally felt a sense of finality, and by releasing his water he thus gave forth his life. Oh, it was a terrible ordeal, but Ochloch was strong and persevered through his horrible, horrible, terrible, horrible death. He even drank seawater, knowing it would make things worse - such was his devotion to Father H.A.M. and humankind! Lo, his writihing was great! Ho, it was a sight to see, had anyone been there to have seen it, this fantastic cephalopod of a deity, sacrificing himself as a sign of his devotion to us all. And with his dying breath he stored the story of his life, his learnings, and his teachings into a solitary seashell, to be discovered much later by the prophet Ismael. And fo, he ascended to the kingdom of Father H.A.M, to watch over us all. Truly he was, the Squid of men.


* Taran Uchla will henceforth be referred to as Ochloch.
** Or shoulder-tentacle? The anatomy of Ochloch is still a matter of contentious debate, despite the many church councils - of which Tharvwalla was only one - that have been held since the 200s.
*** Hence the ecumenical ban on pig farming - though not on pigs, mind you, for the prophet Izakhael did decree that pigs were delicious
**** Yes, masculine - there will be no gender-neutral, or even gender-ambiguous, gods in the Ochlochian pantheon, no sir! Well, except for Protandrus, but that was only an attempted and eventually unsuccessful addition by those sexually deviant perverts, the Victorians!, always studying hermaphroditic molluscs, for what? you ask, for science they said, well for hell! I say! There is no Ma'achloyoch-sanctioned evidence suggesting that molluscs are anything other than male and female - that’s the way Father H.A.M. made them! - and you would best remember that lest you should end up condemned to the hell of the sky, having to associate with sinners and pagans and Victorians and IRS officials - I mean, why is tithing still illegal? In this day and age!
***** Of course, this pilgrimage is a highly implausible prospect for the modern Ochlochian - at least until the Zoroastrians reclaim their ancient homeland in Uzbekistan - hence the modern church’s ‘Doctrine of Holy Exemption,’ in which a small fee is to be paid annually to one’s Ma’achloyoch in place of said travels.
****** Excerpt from Malahar’s "Ochloch’s Travels Among the Humans": “In the ancient times when Ochloch was still in his wanderings on earth, Ochloch would would occasionally show up to a village and act as the local magistrate.”

The Chronicles of Trebizond

In 1204, the Ochlochinarian mission to Constantinople failed spectacularly when St. Herb the Inedible proposed a compromise Christian-Octopoid faith (Walro-Batism) to the hungry Council of Trebizond. Although the Bishop was most unhappily murdered by his ravenous fellows of the cloth, most of his leather-tough and astringent body was spared the ritual cannibalistic rites to which most heretics were subjected. On an unrelated note, mystery-meat pasta sold for only two drachma in Constantinople the next day.

Subsequently, most of the True Believers in the Eastern Empire were arrested, gathered together, and prepared for public execution and BBQ. Fortunately, the Doge of Venice was a secret (and blind/decrepit) Ochlochinarian himself. To rescue his coreligionists from certain execution and probable cannibalism, he managed to single-handedly redirect the entire Fourth Crusade to Constantinople by paddling vigorously with his single good hand. Upon arriving at the walls of The City, the Crusaders mistook the place for Egypt and proceeded to sack it. The Byzantines, for their part, mistook the invading Crusaders for the Heavenly armies of the Archangel Michael and promptly surrendered.

Crusaders were shocked to find that, after only a one-day siege, the citizens of Constantinople had resorted to cannibalism with abandon. The Citizens were too busy feasting to notice the horrified faces of the Archangel Michael and his Heavenly companions.

Despite the Doge’s best efforts, most of the Ochlochinarian prisoners were taken as slaves by the Crusaders (the remainder attempted to join Ochloch in the inky waters of the Bosporus, waters that are unusually sinky for non-swimmers). Thence the Latin armies marched East for the Third City of the Empire, TREBIZOND. (Nicaea, the Second City of the Empire, held its title merely as a courtesy and was definitely not worth attacking or filled with gold-encrusted broaches, said the helpful local guides). Upon reaching TREBIZOND, the Crusaders realized that “Egypt” sure had a lot of lush grass and verdant pastures, maybe too many pastures, and it sure wasn’t the desert they were told about…so they married local girls and became shepherds.

The Ochlochinarian prisoners, now free, dilly-dallied into TREBIZOND, now an independent claimant of the Throne of Byzantium, and thus began the most glorious and famous period in the History of Ochloch.

Commentaries of St. Herb of Byzantium on the Scourage of Ochlochary and Vagabondism

Excerpts from an address by St. Herb to the Council of Trebizond concerning the true nature of Christ-our-savior, whether he be Human-like, Octopus-like, or Squid-like in Physical manifestation. The proceedings of the Council of Trebizond were recorded by a visitor from the Kingdom of West Frankia, Monsieur Frocce D'Gill, a travelling nobleman on a quest to find the Jewel-Encrusted Broach that St. Peter wore whilst being fed to Lions (Lions was a famous Roman speed-eater who once ate 52 hotdogs and 23 Christian martyrs in thirty minutes, beating his rival Scorgy by 10 hotdogs and 2 martyrs, although no one could beat Scorgy when it came to rapidly consuming German barbarians—no one).

[St. Herb, then known as the Bishop Borgor the Regrettable, stands before the Council of the Church of the Roman East and begins his speech]

"Yea my most worthy sons, yea. For in the fourth year of the rule of the Emperor Theodocianus XXVIII the Unreasonable, son of the Gaspard the German, son of St. Helborn the Lamb-slayer, spawn of the Crab Emperor Gordanox, the first missionaries of the Arian-Monophysite-Heretical Church of Ochloch arrived in the Great, the Very Powerful, and Most Resplendent City of Constantinople; the City Garlanded by Water; the City of the Golden Horn; the City in Which Does Not Reside the Heretical Excommunicated Pontiff of Rome; the Not Heretical City; the City of Many Churches and Several Jewel Encrusted Broaches; the City Intolerant of Blaspheming Jews Except When They Provide Essential Services, Such as Loans and Medicine; the City that will be Captured by the Turk.”

[St. Herb was renowned for his prophetic abilities, although they were often flawed in some subtle manner. For instance, when he foresaw that Constantinople would be conquered by “the Turk,” he really thought that a lone half-man-turkey (who had strayed from his nomadic “Turkish” flock on the Asian steppes) would capture the city briefly in 1098 by sitting in the Emperor’s vacant throne, but that the Emperor, after returning from the Imperial toilets, would promptly slaughter the Turkman and serve it for the Imperial Thanksgiving luncheon. Its feathers, renowned for their softness, would be used to stuff the Imperial Pillows and Imperial Edicts.]

“I believe it is known to you, most excellent sons of the True Church, how diligently I have struggled to secure the Holy Mission against heresies, damned heresies, and statistics, how frequently I have, without hesitation or regret, and certainly with the utmost joy, killed and disemboweled Heretics who believe Christ to be of one substance and one spirit.”

[the assembled Theo-priests gasp in unison at the word “and”]

“Not until that unhallowed arrival of the insidious Ochlarinarians did this new question arise: is Jesus Christ our Lord and Savior a Divine Entity similar in appearance to a Man or similar in appearance to a man-octopoid abomination--a Manopoid ... or Octoman? To all True believers of the True Faith, there is but one obvious answer: he was neither Man nor Manopoid, but rather a sort of Walrus-Bat with three gleaming tusks of pure gold.”

[this Walro-Bat theory was later seen by historians as a compromise between the competing theories of the Ochlocharians, who demanded some sort of marine creature, the Mammalists, who thought that Christ could take any form at all so long as that form was that of mammal, and the Bullionarians, who believed that Christ must have been made of pure gold (or at least that he contained some golden appendage, organ, or tissue (said tissue was most frequently thought to be the cerebro-spinal fluid)), since said metal is the most perfect of all substances, and the only one fit to constitute the most perfect of all men. Obviously, the three tusks of pure gold represented Christ’s dedication to self-flagellation, charity, and covering one’s self with flagella.]

[ultimately, however, St. Herb’s compromise managed to alienate the Ochlocharians, the Mammalists, and the Bullionarians, although Walro-batism gained a sizeable following among the city’s most important and influential demographic: the mentally feeble/members of the royal family]

“Now…now calm down! Just calm down there! Ok…ok, good. Let’s just all take a break. …oh…oh yeah Borjonius…well, well you can go… well, how d’you think that makes Walruses feel? Huh? Just, just ask yourself that… o-…OK!?

[several Bishops rush the podium and carry off St. Herb; he is last seen screaming Walro-Bat blasphemies as he is pulled down into the throng of probably cannibalistic Theo-priests. St. Herb was later canonized only because the insane Emperor Lupinus I (who believed that he suffered from a form of werewolfism timed not to the cycles of the moon, but to the cycles of his heart-beat) had a fondness for gold-plated walrus tusks, although this was true throughout Europe at the time]

The Journeys of OCHLOCH: The Journeys of OCHLOCH Begin

The Journeys of OCHLOCH

Abridged and by Ma’achloyoch Conrad Fitzhugh and updated according to the doctrine of the Ochlochian Church

mori tempus flori nunc ut flagellum Ochlochi vinciat


In the ancient times, before OCHLOCH had fulfilled its chosen destiny, there existed an ancient kingdom, an underwater kingdom, an ancient underwater kingdom, the ancient underwater kingdom of the molluscs, Gorthtab. Though some question Gorthtab’s existence, there are written account of its mottled spires dating back to the Phoenicians. Even the great philosopher Aristotle was aware of its presence, though when he saw it he referred to it as Atlantis due to the fact that he was on a 3-year kelp-induced philosophy binge.

Ruled by the powerful Molluz ‘Car, Gorthtab was a peaceful and prosperous society but also oh so very wicked as its subjects worshipped the sea, the kelp, the sun, and all manner of nonsensically natural manifestations of their unnamed and idolatrous creator (yes, though the Gorthtabians, indeed all peoples and molluscs alive before the time of OCHLOCH, were not able to convert to Ochlochism since OCHLOCH had not spread its message to the world at that point in time, they, like all others who defame the holy name of OCHLOCH, are still doomed to float through the horrors of the air as ghosts, with the land and water forever in their wretched sight!). Not much is known about Molluz “Car, and even though all evidence points to the conclusion that he was the OCHLOCH’s father, he most certainly was not, for then OCHLOCH would not be the son of Father H.A.M. and would thus not be divine.

Molluz ‘Car’s son and heir to the throne was the Prince Taran Uchla. Uchla lived a debauched life, relying on his father’s position and prestige to get him anything he desired, unaware and uncaring of the consequences of his actions, one of the type who would give annoying nicknames to his acquaintances (later banned by Izakhael in Commandment #782; for more information see Conrad Fitzhugh’s “1,001 Commandments the Good Ochlochian Should Follow on a Daily Basis” - the prophet Izakhael had a commandment for every one of his thousands of pet peeves). Uchla’s parties and feasts were offenses to both the eyes and noses of the morally upstanding: lascivious women, unwashed hands, off-color humor, and whale-loads of pickled herring, pickled sardines, and pickled kelp (the constant presence of ocean water made varieties in cuisine a rarity).

The good Gorthtabians put up with this type of behavior, so great was their reverence for Molluz ‘Car and his family, but it was not to last. There arrived at the court of Molluz ‘Car a sunfish, Sprilk the Younger, nephew of the Emperor of Kelptopia, the most powerful empire of the sea (this too Aristotle referred to as Atlantis - there would be much more historical and scientific proof for its existence in this book, but we would not want to distract from the teachings of OCHLOCH! MOVING ON!). Alerted as of Sprilk’s presence, a considerably drunk Uchla resolved to eat him, and thus acted accordingly (we reenact this during the first night of Flornbenoch). Molluz ‘Car immediately banished Uchla above the water in order to appease the emperor of Kelptopia.

And so Uchla departed from Gorthtab with 15 bags of kelp wine and pure Kelptopian hashish, quite unaware that anything significant had occurred in the last 2 months. The two friends accompanying him, the clam Beifalvor and the snail Gazterpon, were similarly oblivious, both believing that all three were heading to the Gulf of Mexico for a week to “par-tae” down. And so, it was with much more than dismay that Uchla, Beifalvor, and Gazterpon found themselves with the Royal Gorthtabian Guard forcibly escorting them to a desolate beach on the Dalmatian coast of the Adriatic Sea in the Balkans.

The three wandered on the beach for hours before they could go for no longer, falling to the ground, waiting for death to come. But suddenly on a nearby cliff they witnessed an ink blob, growing and continually changing shape. And they heard a humming. And the humming boomed out, “TARAN UCHLA!” as it finally took a form.
From the ground Uchla waved a lone tentacle lazily in the air as he responded, “Yo.”
“UCHLA! YOU HAVE LIVED EGREGIOUSLY YOUR LIFE. YOU MUST CHANGE YOUR WAYS!”
“Hey man, what’s the deal? I mean, I could totally go for a brew right now. I’m suffering down here.”
“QUIET! YOU HAVE LIVED A LIFE OF SPOILED LUXURY! YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND THE MEANING OF SUFFERING!”
“Wow, chill. Who are you?”
“I AM GOD! NO, REALLY, I AM GOD. I AM H.A.M. I CREATED YOU, YOUR FRIENDS, THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE! OH, AND YOU’RE MY SON, WHICH MEANS YOU HAVE TO EXPERIENCE SUFFERING AND LEARN OF THE TRUE NATURE OF HUMAN NATURE SO THAT YOU MAY LEAD THE ENTIRETY OF HUMANITY TO A BLESSED ETERNITY IN MY DOMAIN!”
“...”
“LOOK, HERE’S THE DEAL. I SHALL FILL YOUR MOUTH WITH HOLY WATER SO YOU MIGHT NOT SPEAK BUT HEAR ONLY. IF YOU SHOULD OPEN YOUR MOUTH, YOU WILL RELEASE THE WATER AND DIE A HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE, TERRIBLE, HORRIBLE DEATH! THIS SHALL BE YOUR FIRST TRIAL. THEN YOU SHALL TRAVEL ALL THE KNOWN LANDS OF EUROPE AND ASIA TO LEARN ABOUT HUMANKIND UNTIL SUCH TIME AS YOU FULLY UNDERSTAND THEIR NATURE. AT THAT TIME YOU SHALL KNOW WHAT YOU MUST DO, AND AFTERWORDS YOU SHALL JOIN ME IN HEAVEN TO WATCH AND GUARD OVER THE HUMANS!”
“Dude, Taran would never do that!” shouted Beifalvor.
Gazterpon joined in with “Yeah!” while Uchla responded with “No way!”
H.A.M. shot out a bolt of lightning, and Beifalvor disappeared into a pile of ash.
Gazterpon and Uchla looked at each other, then back at H.A.M. as they shouted “Way!”

And thus began the Journeys of Wise OCHLOCH.

[there's more, but I'll post ochloch's journeys up to his horrible, horrible, terrible, horrible death sometime later this week; also, I couldn't get the picture of H.A.M. to face the right way, but below the drawing it says Father H.A.M.]

Ochlochism, The Book of Izakhael

The Book of Izakhael
I.

1. In my thirty-fourth year, in the tenth day of the tenth month when ten years had passed since the fall of the cities of Akhyl, I, Izakhael, son of Mesikhaiah, son of Ruborch, son of the Great One, received the word of the LORD whilst traversing the steppes of Kambaria [Eastern Europe].
2. The LORD said unto me, “Izakhael, great-grandson of the Great One, I am the LORD, and my name is OCHLOCH, and thou shalt call me not LORD, but OCHLOCH, for it is my name.”
3. And thence from Heaven on high came a god-like appendage, and it gave unto me a great Book which, but written in a strange script, I could yet comprehend.
4. And so spake OCHLOCH, “Go forth thee Izakhael unto the towns and peoples of the land, and tell to them the Word and read to them the Book so that they might not worship false idols, for it is sinful, and go north as you will until you reach the coast of Kambaria, and there, kneel upon the sands and raise a shell of sea creature to thine ear, and thou will find great treasures from my worthiness.”
5. And so I went forth unto the towns and peoples of the land and told to them the Word and read to them the Book. In the town of Tymlalysia, I stood before the people and told them to worship OCHLOCH, but the people said, “we worship Kamar, lord of the Deep, and we worship false idols as well, for it is Law.” And I said, “you must not worship false idols, for it is sinful.”
6. No person should obey laws if said laws are sinful laws.
7. Thence I went to the city of Borjermaud, and I read to them the book. Two good strangers heeded the words of OCHLOCH and burned their false idols, but many others kept their false idols, and they told the good strangers, “you must not burn false idols.”
8. And now the OCHLOCH descended from Heaven on high, and he stood atop the hill in the center of the city of Borjermaud, flapping his wings, but the people of the city of Borjermaud summoned the philosopher Theidison. And Theidison said to the people, “behold, people of Borjermaud, there yonder, upon thither hill, is a bird, not our lord.” So I, the prophet Izakhael said, “yonder miracle is thine lord, OCHLOCH.”
9. And Theidison said, “people of Borjermaud, do not all birds have feathers, and have thee ever seen a creature with feathers that is not a bird?” The people of Borjermaud replied, “no, wise Theidison, all creatures with feathers are birds.” Then Theidison said, “thus, thither winged and feathered sight is but a bird.”
10. OCHLOCH departed from the hill and ascended to Heaven on high.
11. Thus, a man must not trust the false prophecies of logic and reason.
12. Thence I went to the villages and castles of Northern Akhyl in the regions spared from the doom, and the peasants and the lords alike refused the Word and refused the Book, for they said, “OCHLOCH must show himself to us, for we will believe only that which we can see.”
13. And so, one must not deny something because it is unseen. Believe whatever is good, even if there is no proof.
14. And finally I came upon the sea shore, and there I fell prostrate to the sands, and I picked up a shell there, and I lifted it to my ear, and the voices and whispers of OCHLOCH rang forth through the shell, and I knew his will.
15. Then I was told the story of OCHLOCH, which was written in a different book.
16. And the voice of OCHLOCH said unto me, “Go thee unto the land of Heydronia [Siberia], and there seek the beaches.
17. And so I traveled to Heydronia, and I walked over many leagues of frozen waste.
18. As I walked, the voice of a God whispered through the wind. And it said unto me, “turn back now, good Izakhael, and spare yourself death.”
19. I asked the voice of a God, “OCHLOCH, creator of many things, has ordered me thus, who am I to refuse him?”
20. The voice of a God said, “OCHLOCH wishes you ill. See now the storm in the distant East: such is the herald of your demise!”
21. I fell to the earth and covered my ears, and a great swooping sound destroyed the voice of a God, and the storm clouds passed away.
22. One must have faith in OCHLOCH, and never believe or even consider that doom will befall thee, no matter the peril.
23. Thence I traveled onwards to the beaches of Heydronia. Then I reached the beaches, and I heard the whispering of OCHLOCH, and it said, “travel thee unto the West, to the Land ruled by the King of Rumban [Rome] and I shall guide thy way.”
24. I thence traveled West on my own two feet for many years, and as a humble beggar I beheld many marvelous places.
25. During this time, I became King of Baloria [Poland] and Azakolia [Germany] and I conquered many lands and had many sons.


II.

1. And on the tenth day of the tenth year since I first heard the voice of OCHLOCH, I came upon a bay near the headlands in the Land ruled by the King of Rumban, and then an image appeared across the bay opposite from where I stood, and the image was that of OCHLOCH, and it said unto me, “go thee now, Izakhael, to the East, to the Land of Gawal [the northern coast of France] and build there a temple to the greatness of OCHLOCH.
2. And many of the fisherfolk came to the temple, and they worshipped OCHLOCH.

Some Basic Facts about Ochlochism

Type:
Polytheist with a small pantheon

Names of the Major Deities:
The main god is the Ochloch, a flying squid-like thing of unknown origin. His father, Ham, who is both segmented and unsegmented at once, is both the founder of the molluscan race and the creator of the universe. Lesser deities include Beifalvor, Lord of clams, and Gazterpon, Lord of snails.

Founder(s) of the religion, if any
Ochlochism is said to have been spoken to the prophet Isma'el through a shell that he put to his ear on the beaches of frozen Siberia.

Type of following
Ochlochism was once the primary faith in Roman France, the inhabitants of which ate the body of Gazterpon during ritual escargot eatings, but it has since faded into obscurity, having a secretive and dangerous following in many sea-port towns and isolated fishing hamlets in lonely parts of the world.

Acceptance of religion
It was once persecuted by the Catholic church, but now the Ochloch's temples go undisturbed by the nosy and viscous, as there are whispered rumors of human sacrifice and discrimination lawsuits.

Church
Each church is run by the local "Ma'achloyoch," a priest raised from birth to listen into sea shells effectively. It is rumored that each priest communicates through pigeons with his fellows and that they all congregate once a yule-tide in a circle of monolithic stones by the sea.

Sects/Variation
Unknown

(OP: Ben, May 2 2008)

THE FUTURE Agghh! Part 16

Rick Gallen Chronicles Part 4: The End of the Rick Gallen Chronicles?

Rick and Quigley were in the tomb, a hole in the ground having been caused by the CFA ambulance smashiing into the concrete slab. The decor suprised Rick. It was actually very chic. Sure, shag carpeting was last popular 1,030 years ago, but the tie-dye mural on the ceilng was quite tasteful, perhaps even arty. There were a lot of tombstones, though. Tombstones that sounded like they were either talking or playing rock flute. That was a tad weird.
Quigley could barely contain his joy. “Fr-fr-fr-frabjous day!” he shouted as he skipped across the tomb, “To think, that I am once again reunited with my tomb!” He knelt down and started licking one of the tombstones.
Rick didn’t notice at first, but immediately let forth a WTF!-like outburst when he did.
Quigley looked up. “You, Sir,” he said impatiently, “Should have a greater desire to be chill. For it is the most fortunate case that my ancestor’s tombstones dispense pina coladas! Would you like a taste?”
“Uh, I’d rather not. I tasted a tombstone back in highschool, really wasn’t for me.”
“Well, if you are so unaccustomed to the modern practice in which I am currently engaging, you can freel free to grab a glass, with which you might be able to contain the pineapple-y goodness. The glasses can be accessed from the cupboard behind you, next to the lava lamp.”
Rick got a glass out of the cupboard and had begun to mosey on over towards Quigley when it hit him. Lava lamp. Lava lamp? Lava lamp! The lava lamp must be the Lamp of Cybele. After all, it had been gleaming in a rather Cybelean fashion...

The scene was beyond pandemonium. Immediately after the crash, over a dozen IVY leaguers had poured out of the ambulance. Clarkton had just enough time to dive behind a chez lounge before the bounty hunters started firing and the IVY leaguers responded with their own weapons. Homme was jetpacking around the room attempting to give orders but more often than not taking out his own men by accident. Nick Fallon, one of his legs encrusted in salt was engaged in fisticuffs with Lord Shiwlee over possession of the cheese fondue, and someone Clarkton couldn’t identify was leading the IVY Leaguers
Then Clarkton noticed that the energy shield had been disabled. And the bounty hunters were no longer guarding the hole. He put his head up briefly to see if his path was clear, then he took a deep breath and ran for the hole. As he dove in he could hear Homme shouting, “Oh no you don’t!” and crashing into various bounty hunters and IVY Leaguers. There was another bounty hunter calling out to his men to fall back and go into the hole, a similar exhortation from one of the leaders of the IVY leaguers, and finally a glossolalian upcry from both Nick Fallon and Lord Shiwlee, anxious that the scribbledeedoowop not be fumdangled, or something like that. In other words, everyone going down to the basement now, aw yeah.

This mass insodus (although ‘exodus’ would sound better) was impeccably timed. But let me go back, say 30 seconds, to explain my previous words. Rick held the glowing lava lamp of Cybele in his shaking hands and, speaking half to Quigley and half to himsel, said, “I don’t know exactly what will happen when I use this, but I have to, I mean the dreams, it’s all happening right now, I have to-”
“Do what you must,” reclined Quigley on the shag carpeting, “For I am in pina colada heaven!”
“-Okay, here goes, there’s only one button on this thing, so I guess I’ll press that, okay, I’m ready now, okay, here goes, this time’s for real, waaAAAHH?!?!?!-”
A cascade of golden and pale-faced figures distracted Rick from his fretful lamp-activating preparation, and he finally pressed the button.

A timewarp occurred. It was no different from any others.

Rick, Quigley, Clarkton, Homme, Fallon, Lord Shiwlee, and the rest of the bounty hunters and IVY leaguers appeared in the middle of a street in Allenville. As the others all got their bearing, Rick surveyed his surroundings. Down the street he could see a gathering of figures, most of them sitting in a relaxed fashion on the pavement; they looked like they were chatting, but some of them looked like, bounty hunters and IVY leaguers? Rick also saw himself walking towards him, although with much more composure, and a monocle.
“Rick Gallen D4, I presume?” the new Rick inquired with British enthusiasm.
“Uh, well, I am Rick Gallen, but what are-”
“Finally! Good, follow me and I shall explain. All of you, please come hither.” The new Rick turned around immediately and began ambulating swiftly in the opposite direction. The others began shambling too.
Rick ran up to the new Rick while he was in midsentence. “-not sure why exactly but we have determined that sometime in this hour, me, or you, well both of us, actually the Rick Gallen from all 6 dimensions [RETCON!!!!!!! DO YOU BELIEVE!??!] would activate the lamp of Cybele in whatever form it may be in, taking that Rick and everyone around him through a timewarp from their dimension to mine, Dimension Null. You and your friends are from Dimension 4. The people from the first two Dimensions melted upon contact with oxygen, quite unfortunate really, but those from Dimension 3 got here very much intact. Oh, I believe something is occuring a few block down, possible from Dimensions 5. I shall have to investigate for the moment, but I see now Rick Gallen D3. Ta ta!” Rick ran off and was immediately replaced by Rick.
“Hey Rick D4,” the newer Rick said in a friendly manner, “I’m Rick D3. I know all this must be a little weird for you right now, I mean, it took me a little while to wrap by head around what Rick DNull was saying for at least 20 minutes, but would you mind telling me what happened to you before you activated the lamp. It would help us in figuring out what is going on, and I just want to hear what happened to you and all your D4 friends.”
“Ok,” Rick D4 began, subsquently thoroughly explaining everything that had happened to him that day. As he talked, they finally reached the gathering of people. Rick D4 could see bounty hunters, IVY Leaguers, what looked like to identical President Ch’ldors, and two identical women he did not know.
As he finished, Rick D3 nodded his head sagely. “Well, that’s very interesting, Our timelines were the same up to the point you, I mean we, launched the escape pod. Once that occurred, President Chyldor’s bounty hunters were alerted. They thought it was Nick Fallon in the escape pod, and since they didn’t want him being taken by the CFA, whom they have a jurisdictionary rivalry with, they went after the pod.
Thus, the real Nick Fallon was able to escape, and I was captured by the bounty hunters, who took me to President Chyldor. Chyldor realized I was not Fallon, but he wanted to have me killed anyway so no one would find out about the government blunder and the increased terrorist risk, and also because he probably thought I was a terrorist anyway.
While I was languishing in prison, waiting for my execution, I met Samantha, who was an aide to the President sent to check on my health every day. We fell in love; in fact, I remember the conversation we had when we both realized it. Samantha said, ‘I love you, Rick,’ and I said, ‘But I have a wife,’ and Samantha replied ‘But she hasn’t even been directly mentioned in the story’ so I said, ‘Oh, then I guess it’s ok that we’re in love.’ I told her about my dreams, about the lamp, and she believed me, so she freed me the day before my execution, although she did not go with me because she still had loyalty to Chaldor, her home country.
I eventually made it to Louisville, Kentucky, where my dreams said the lamp would be, but Samantha, President Chyldor and his bounty hunters, a number of CFA agents, and Nick Fallon and the other IVY Leaguers were all there. I wouldn’t want to bore you with all the details of my harrowing adventure that night, but I eventually decided to activate the lamp, and everyone around me was transported here to Universe Null.”
Rick DNull ran back towards Rick D4 and Rick D3 at the gathering. He was out of breath as he spoke. “The D5s, they’re all vampires, from Vampyron: The Last Dimension. They told me they would be biting the necks of all those of us on this street, but that they are too frightened from the recent occurences to do so. But this is absolutely fascinating! All 6 lamps have been activated now!”
“My god.” stated Rick D4 and Rick D3 at the same time, “Hey, cool, we just said the same thing, what the hell is tha-”



What will happen to Rick Gallen now that all the lamps have been activated? And what will happen to Rick DNull, President Choldor, Samantha DNull, the DNull bounty hunters and IVY leaguers, Rick D3, President Chyldor, Samantha D3, Ochloch D3, Nick Fallon D3, the D3 bounty hunters and IVY leaguers, Clarkton D4, Quigley D4, Homme D4, Nick Fallon D4, the D4 bounty hunters and IVY leaguers, Lord Shiwlee D4, Rick DVampyron, President Chvampdor, Samantha DVampyron, Clarkton DVampyron, Quigley DVampyron, Homme DVampyron, Nick Fallon DVampyron, the DVampyron bounty hunters and IVY leaguers, Lord Shiwlee DVampyron, and Frou-Frou the WonderSquirrel of a Thousand Tricks DVampyron?

(OP: Nate, February 7 2009)