The Colonial Era, Section 1

EARLY ATTEMPTS

I. Roanoke:

In 1600 a wealthy nobleman named Sir Walter Raleigh set about to establish a colony in the New World, a continent that had just been discovered by the Europeans; contrary to popular belief, the so-called "native" Americans were actually from Eastern Siberia and were forced across the Bering Straight by Russian Communists (who hated their soft, gentle hair, which was used in...) in the 1950s.

Raleigh wanted to locate the "Northwest Passage," which was a lost excerpt from the Bible that held the key to the location of the Holy grail, the knights' Templar, and the Holy Temple in Jerusalem.

In any case, the nobleman gathered a fleet and some gullible country folk, who were bribed with promises of gold cities and malaria (why would they want malaria? For the answer, see the "Enlightenment Perspectives on Deadly Diseases", pg. 1005). The mission was funded entirely by Raleigh, because he hoped that the Northwest Passage would yield him the means to expose the Catholic Church's 2,000 year-old deception and cruelty.

And so, they set out and spent perhaps 300 hours on the ocean, as they were sped by the blessings of God. But by the time they landed on the shore, Raleigh realized something terrible: he had forgotten his toothpaste...on the boat. The only local toothpaste was a type of dried crushed deer dung smeared with a beaver's menstrual blood. Therefore, Raleigh was left with only one choice: he had to turn around and get his tooth paste.

By the time he returned from the ship off the coast some 2 hours later, the colony had perished and disappeared, presumably from a lack of dental hygiene. Later colonists would make sure to bring not only toothpaste, but also floss and toothbrushes.

II. Jamestown...

(OP: Ben, January 22 2007)