Meanwhile, the Catholics under James I had secretly infiltrated the Anglican Protestant Church and planned some major reforms. In order to gain popularity, James I wanted to make the Church more "appealing" to the masses, which had developed a sweet tooth ever since the advent of the "Clean Teeth" movement (not to mention the "Clean Teeth genocide" that followed). Therefore, he modified Holy Scripture such that all of the Bibles in England ordered the Eucharist to be taken using "ye Wattermeloons thatt repreisentest thine bloode and fleshe of Christe, Lorde and Saviore." And so all across English thousands of tons of "christ-body-crackers" and "christ-blood-wine" were dumped into the Thames.
In their place, fat, luscious watermelons were used for the Eucharist. The melons were bitten into and the juice was allowed to splurge out, symbolizing what it would look like if one were to bite into Christ's arm.
The practice of watermelon-eucharist still exists today
But one group, known as the Puritans, didn't have a sweet tooth. In fact, they had become physically and mentally incapable of feeling happiness after a man named John Calvin developed the practice of "de-happiness" lobotomies on his congregation. Soon, he had lobotomized a good part of Switzerland, removing their power to feel joy and to question his words. It also, most importantly, made them capable of not dying of self-inflicted cannibalism (as occured to 97.8% of normal humans) during one of his 45-hour sermons.
In any case, the Puritans continued on their lobotomizing ways, removing happiness as they went. And so, when melons were making merriment in churches across England, while the "urine-crackers" and the "turpentine-wine" were thrown away, the Puritans decided to leave.
They traveled to a place known as Plymouth Rock, a large rock. This rock was hardly suitable to colonization, since it had no soil and was submerged under water for at least a month of the year. But the Pilgrims persevered. Their lack of happiness and robot-like nature also allowed them to swim in the sea for days on end while searching for sea-urchins and barnacles to eat.
But back to London, a young prison snitch named John Smith...
(OP: Ben, January 22 2007)
In their place, fat, luscious watermelons were used for the Eucharist. The melons were bitten into and the juice was allowed to splurge out, symbolizing what it would look like if one were to bite into Christ's arm.
The practice of watermelon-eucharist still exists today
But one group, known as the Puritans, didn't have a sweet tooth. In fact, they had become physically and mentally incapable of feeling happiness after a man named John Calvin developed the practice of "de-happiness" lobotomies on his congregation. Soon, he had lobotomized a good part of Switzerland, removing their power to feel joy and to question his words. It also, most importantly, made them capable of not dying of self-inflicted cannibalism (as occured to 97.8% of normal humans) during one of his 45-hour sermons.
In any case, the Puritans continued on their lobotomizing ways, removing happiness as they went. And so, when melons were making merriment in churches across England, while the "urine-crackers" and the "turpentine-wine" were thrown away, the Puritans decided to leave.
They traveled to a place known as Plymouth Rock, a large rock. This rock was hardly suitable to colonization, since it had no soil and was submerged under water for at least a month of the year. But the Pilgrims persevered. Their lack of happiness and robot-like nature also allowed them to swim in the sea for days on end while searching for sea-urchins and barnacles to eat.
But back to London, a young prison snitch named John Smith...
(OP: Ben, January 22 2007)
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