(The first Mexican war in which jesus and the devil jointly conquered Mexico has been described in depth in the Colonial Ear. The second less commonly known Mexican-American War shall be described now):
The second Mexican-American War in 1835 was not between two armies, but rather two gangs living in the "forbidden zone" of New York, which was basically what any rich new yorker called a poor part of the rapidly growing city. One was a Mexican gang called "The Mexicans," the other a white American gang called "The Americans." They were uninspired, to say the least.
But why were they uninspired? Why was their life so down that that they had to form gangs? It was because of Jackson's reckless economic policies. And the fact that they were up to their knees in fetid water, but that's not important. And enforcing these policies in New York was Martin Van Buren, known as Officer V.B. to the kids. He would try to do his duty, but when the American gang began to sing "Gee Officer VB" in a catchy and surprisingly well choreographed manner despite all the water, he would become distracted and leave them alone, sloshing to his room to grow out his sideburns. When the Mexican gang began to sing their own song to Officer VB they were beat up by New Yorkers, since they were immigrants, since they were not the same color as the majority of Americans, and because they were in New York; it is a given that you'll get beat up in New York, no matter who you are. Unless you're Mr. T. Mr. T. wouldn't take no shit from nobody no how. But thats Mr. T. Unfortunately for the Mexican gang, they weren't Mr. T.
The American gang was led by the rough yet wise James K. Polk. His back-up man was Zack Taylor; he never spoke, but was always ready to go into battle if Polk needed him to. Millard Fillmore was the rash one, always spoiling for a fight. "Lemme at em!" he'd say to Polk, "All a New York is beatin' em up! Why can't we?" Polk would just shake his head and Fillmore would stop. Polk was that gangsta. Franklin Pierce was the kid, eager, but scared. "Oh," he would say, fainting at the sight of anyone who looked remotely like the mexican gang. James Buchanan liked dudes. Or maybe he didn't. It's probably just speculation, but all I'm saying is that Buchanan liked dudes. "I like dudes" he would say, liking dudes. For some reason, all the members of the American gang became presidents.
All the members of the Mexican gang will not be named, as they got deported. There might have been a kick-ass musical made out of this story demonstrating the power of love over adversity, but no, you had to deport the Mexicans. Well, good job. I hope your happy. Well, actually, the whole love story wouldn't have worked out anyway since there were no girls in New York at that time, although Buchanan didn't really mind. The jury's still out on him. Regardless, at this time New Yorkers were beginning to reproduce through the stock market, but that will be explained in another chapter.
Once the Mexican gang had been defeated, the Americans went on to take over the California gang, the New Mexico gang, and the Oregon gang for good measure. By a twist of fate completely unrelated to TIMZEON! Polk became president, and using his experience as a gangsta, he proceeded to take over "hella land" according to Michigan senator Michael Cass. The remaining members of the gang were left with no land to take over, so, using all the time they had on their collective hands, decided to do nothing about slavery.
Mr. T. was our 5th greatest president, and our 2nd most mohawked president after James Madison. You know Madison was hiding some freaky hair under that wig.
(OP: Nate, February 13 2008)
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