The Earley Republick, Section 2

Section 2 - The Constitution - The Parties, The Horror

It was in this tea-addled state that the former revolutionaries and future leaders of America sat down to create a new form of government, their legs shaking from the caffeine, and their minds ablaze with herbal essence.
These men were the smartest, brightest, and most beautiful in the land, according to a poll taken of those at the constitutional convention, which also established that the most favorite color of the convention was green, that the cutest mammal was a kitten, and that the eastern religion of choice at the time was zoroastrianist buddhism.
Spending their time meditating with fire and compulsively sipping tea, the delegates managed to bang out a fairly decent, most-democratic-in the world system of government, when everybody knows that if they hadn't been under the influence of "the devil's tea leaves" as they are called in specific localities of the world, a gloriously immense centralized government would have been created, towering over the people and dictating their very own actions at every time of the day.
And who was it who filled their minds with such belief in equality and freedom? None other than Dagon! who saw that he would be better able to exploit and control the government if it was divided in thrain, such as was the case of Gaul!
Unwittingly, unknowing of their fates, the Americans argued over ratifying the constitution, bringing up states rights and other such beliefs that would matter not a whince once Dagon was in power.
Yet Dagon was not finished. He established a cult of himself, based in New York, which soon morphed into a Dagon lobby in the newly formed congress, the second lobby in american history after the powdered wig and stockings lobby. Wielding considerable power, it convinced the new congressmen to add a human sacrifice to the constitution, the man's blood flowing over the pages that created our national government, in what seemed like a good idea at the time. Congress promptly found a victim, a Bill Rutherford of Rightes, Virginia, who had been caught eating live chickens off of people's farms. Thus, with the aged Benjamin Franklin holding the knife in his last contribution to democracy, the young Bill of Rightes was given his life to the constitution, where his soul remains trapped today.
Dagon's hold over the new government seemed complete and indestructible, yet one man, one brave American man, would fight this other-worldly being, almost destroying him, and leaving him in a funk out of which he would not come for another 100 years. In the next section we shall examine how George Washington and his administration dealt with the threat of Dagon.

Questions:
1) If you were a being from the otherworldly realm of things that cannot and must not be named, what would your name be? Explain using only non-euclidean letters.

2) Do you like drinking tea? Explain why you don't.

3) Look at it. Just look at all that blood.

4) I mean seriously. That is a lot of freakin' blood.

5) On the fifth equinox of Solstice 329, when the days of men's souls are bleak and desperate, be at Grand Central Station in New York by 5:45. This is not a request. If you fail to complete question #5, there will no longer be a way to stop them from entering our world. The fate of this world and countless others rests on your shoulders.

6) Explain why kittens are adorable.

(OP: Nate, January 26 2008)