The Colonial Era, Section 7

The Revolutionary War

Part 1: Eve of the War

By 1773, many in the emergent American bourgeoisie were tired and increasingly aggravated by British rule, for very substantive reasons such as blood-harvesting by French death cults (as stipulated by the treaty ending the Veitnam War) and the occassional baby-eating lobster-back. Baby-eating became more prevalent with the increasing dulling of the American taste palette as more and more families turned to foods like unsweetened porridge and liquified oak bark over the exotic spices the British prided themselves in exporting to the Colonies. Some elements of the British army, but mostly sub-contracted security firms/alcohol purveyors under names such as "Guns, Rum, and Fun, Inc.", were notorious for infiltrating the manor homes of the landed gentry class.

Heavy taxes on nail polish, Frisbees, and the introduction of the nylon wig also served to provoke the American elite. Many patricians in the upper classes reviled at the thought of wearing what was fundamentally a piece of plastic on their heads, but they wholeheartedly embraced the new and improved plastic codpiece that allowed for unprecedented sizing, not to mention certain center-of-gravity issues for the wearer.

However, the tipping point was no doubt a pamphlet published by a young and enterprising journalist named Thomas Pain who, in 1775, penned an article entitled, "Gaming for Broke", in which he promoted the then little known sport of "Tic Tac Toe Wrestling" as an excellent means of both exercise and torture for deviant children. The game quickly proliferated and startled many across the Atlantic who were unsure what to make of this new concept of "mathematics." Feeling threatened by the burgeoning intellect of the offspring of the American aristocracy, the British launched a pre-emptive invasion of the Colonies to head off any potential rebellion. Unfortunately, their attempts to use GoogleEarth to locate America (since there was a certain skepticism in the accuracy of their hand-drawn maps, which had been outsourced to several groups, including accidentally an early group of opium addicts in Romania) resulted in the mistaken belief that America actually existed on a separate "round Earth" (as opposed to the flat Earth the British believed themselves to be on). As such, the British fleet spent 20 years meandering around the British Isles, hoping to find someway into America's "round Earth." In 1795, a relative unknown named Isaac Screwton published what would become his magnum opus, a 3 page, double-spaced, and large-margined thesis detailling his belief that America could indeed be on the same flat plane as Brittain, and all the fleet would need to would be to sail west. Immediately, the fleet began sailing west, eventually gaining such speed that they induced a wrinkle in the space time continuum, sending them back 20 years but placing them near Calcutta, India. 2 years later, the fleet appeared off the shore of Boston, signalling the beginning of the
war...

Coming Next: Part II: The Set Offensive

(OP: Nick, February 2 2007)