The Story of the War of 1812 begins with three men: Henry Clay, John C. Calhoun, and Daniel Webster. Originally ardent supporters of Virginia in congress, they had actually volunteered of their own accord to become yeoman. But the Dynasty, already a decade in power at this time, had begun to move on to more sinister, more insane experiments. He had successfully acheived...trans-species trans-mogrification!
But the three young senators did not know this as they walked up to Jefferson's secret island fortress at Monticello (it had a moat - that's a good enough qualification for all I care) on December 20, 1811. Clay knocked on the door eagerly. "We're here Mr. Dynasty" he almost shouted. The doors opened slowly, and a yeoman butler appeared before them. "The master will see you know in his laboratory," it said yeomanly, pointing his smelly pitchfork in the direction of a hallway. He turned and started walking down the hallway, what a hallway it was, I think I shall mention it a third time, oh hallwayhallwayhallway, and the senators followed. Through a door, down a staircase, down another hall, another door, a third hall, up a fifth staircase. The house kept on going. And kept on getting darker. And they kept on hearing odd moaning sounds, which the butler would promptly dismissed as "Freedom. Nothing but good and torturous freedom. Finally they reached the laboratory. The butler turned the lights on, illuminating a giant hall filled with machines and technology. And gurneys. And an incredible number of cages. The butler suddenly disappeared.
"What is this?" asked Webster, looking down at a piece ofpaper on a table:
"Let me see," said Calhoun, "Plans for the trans-species transmogrification of humans and ha-"
And everything went black.
All three awoke on the floor of the senate three weeks later, with no recollection of what had happened. But as they stood up and looked at each other, they realized that something terrible had now happened: they had become HAWKMEN!
"Ye gods!" Calhoun shouted, "The Dynasty shall pay for this!"
"But how?" asked Webster, "We are but three. Three horribly deformed hawkmen. We cannot possibly defeat Jefferson and his horde of yeoman."
"Indeed," agreed Clay, "I've heard that the stench of the yeoman alone will melt the skin off of one's elbows. We have to think about this. We have to make a plan."
Over the next few months, the War Hawks, as they now called someselves since they were preparing for war and were half-hawks, formulated their battle strategy and mastered the techniques and nuances of their new bodies. And so, in the dead of night, they flew to England where they met with Andrew Jackson, the head of a group of yeomen who had fled from America, fed up with the terribleness of the Dynasty's name. His tyrannical name, "Shabazz K. L. von Schumaucher" was obviously much better. After a number of these secret negotiations, Jackson was convinced, and so, on the eve of October 19th, 1812, Jackson and his band of rebel yeomen invaded Yeomania, as America was now called, with the War Hawks at the front of the armies.
The fighting was fierce, and much too epic to be described in anything other than a 3 hour movie or 1000 page book. Suffice to say, Jackson won after 16 bloody years, finally beating the Dynasty Yeoman general, John Quincy Adams, who had led astray by Virginia, the Dynasty, and upon realizing the error of his ways, ordered his men to lay down their arms and give big hugs to Jackson and his men, upon doing which Adam's men were all brutally killed.
In gratitude for his help, the War Hawks made Jackson president of the newly rename USA, and his first action in office was to create a machine that reversed the effects of Dynasty's yeomanization. Hundreds of thousands came to the white house to become regular, normal, common people again, and hence this was known as the rise of the common man. Jackson offered to fix the War Hawks, but they happily refused. They had found their calling as hawkmen. Or they were just really weird. Has anyone thought of that? I didn't think so.
Hey kids! Excited about reading about history! Well you can be excited about living history too!
Can you say "ACTION FIGURES!" Well we at HappyFunTimeIncorporated have just the ones for you! You can get Virginia Dynasty with Transmogriciation action! Or the War Hawks with cross-atlantic flying action! Or collect them all! All of them we say! All!
(OP: Nate, January 30 2008)
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