The Twentieth Century, Section 2

Chapter Four: The World War Won!

In distant Europe, the Hunnish German brute with his Austrian half-wit henchman attacked the peace-loving peoples in France, England, Belgium, Russia, and Portugal. Several miles away, across the pond, America was happy and free, never having to worry about it cities, peoples, farms, or commercial passenger ships on the Atlantic ocean...until the great commercial passenger ship, the "Lithuania"...er, "Lusitania," was torpedoed eighty times by the entire German navy and then eaten by crazy Nazi sharks. On that same day, the German king, "krazy kaiser," published an op-ed in the New York times indicating that it would be advantageous for America if Mexico invaded and burned America...on behalf of Germany, which was too busy with some stuff to do the invading itself.

Wilson didn't know whom to trust. The Kaiser's op-ed seemed well intentioned enough, but his progressive and humanitarian spirit told him that the invasion and burning of America would not serve the common man very well. On the other hand, Congress wanted to attack England for loosing the Battle of the Bismark against Germany. But by 1914, the American public threatened to invade Germany itself if Wilson didn't get going. And so Wilson, ever the popularist, decided to invade Germany with the help of Britain.

No one knows what happened during the war except that we won by a lot. Germany had to sign humiliating papers and wear a dunce cap at the Versailles convention, at which German accents were made fun of and the Hohenzollen princes were forced to be clowns in a pie-throwing contest. Also, it had to pay for the tab for the drinks. And the tab was 100 billion dollars. Thoroughly humiliated, Germany sank into a depression depression.

(OP: Ben, March 24 2008)