Pre-History and Its Culmination in the USA, Section 5

Section 5: The Second, Third, and Third-and-a-half Comings of Jesus Christ Lord and Savior of Mankind and Heaven

It is generally agreed that Jesus lived and died some several billion years ago in the Graeco-Roman Era. However, the reincarnation of Mithras the Sun God does not simply die because of nails-in-hands and stab-wounds-in-neck and spear-of-destiny-incisions. No, the son of Mithras and the champion of science was instead preserved in a primitive cryogenic storage device cooled daily with mountain-fresh snow and occasionally the icy hearts of Danish women.

The first re-coming of Jesus was said to be about right after the disintegration of the Renaissance. The lower classes, still seeking entertainment under the pretense of "liberty" and "republicanism," had destroyed much of Europe from revolutions and uprisings against the successors of Christ--that is--the Pope. In 1848, the papacy felt almost certain doom when Rome was seized by Republicans from the "boot" who were fed up with boring farming jobs, prayer, and brutal ritual sacrifice as tests of faith.

But that is later. Now, this second coming (which, not surprisingly, involved enormous amounts of molten copper, hell-fire, misery, and decomposing industrial-chicken waste) caused a great exodus of peoples from Europe. The peasants no longer had enough free time to be bored since Jesus returned. Unlike their secular leaders, Jesus would not tolerate slacking off; sitting in his heavenly throne, he just pushed everyone around. Now, the splendor of the everlasting is nice...but it gets old after a while. Thus, religious movements either left Europe to be away from Jesus' "micromanaging" eyes, or disappeared all together and returned to a life of productive, rewarding hole-digging. A secular Europe was left while the religious fanatics fled for pristine, naive America (then only inhabited with nature spirits and Amerindians who had recently evolved from the mole-men; thus they were superior to the original 'above-ground-dwellers,' who had been corrupted with cannabis, lip-balm, and nose-soothing-lotions).

And so is the beginning of American History...

(OP: Ben, November 7 2006)