The Early Universe and Lord Zenu
It so happened that the the Universe was started some 14.3243 billion years ago by a phonological phenomenon known as "the Big Bang." Scientists and authorities estimate that the sound was around 4.563655 x 10^256 decibels in loudness and of a variety of pitches, most notably, the "salty yellow" and "green tea-leaf" frequencies dominated the frequency spectrum. In order to demonstrate the intensity of this sound, I will use a common example and then increase it by readily accessible increments: imagine the sound of an exploding white dung fox, a common occurrence due to inner-city gang violence. Now multiply this by a factor of nine-hundred fifty-four trillion, eight hundred thirty billion, fifty-one million, eight-hundred and three thousand, four-hundred and thirty nine point zero three four one two five two five two five two five two five two five...forever. Yes, this is exactly how loud that would be.
Now, one of the great philosophical questions that has dominated mankind ever since the invention of Darwin and televangelism has been, "why are we here?" Others are: "What purpose do I serve?" "Why is one the opposite of the two?" And finally, "why are horse jockies just so small?" Of course, the invention of Darwin will be discussed in depth later in this work, but one must realize that all of these questions arose at that horrific, deadly time.
But what, you might ask, do these questions have to do with the incomprehensible, mysterious, and intriguing creation of the universe? Well, it has very little to do, in fact, and it would be better if we left those questions alone, except that they do end with the the burning desire to know why the big bang occurred in the first place. And that is the only reason that I brought them up. For you see, the creation of the universe by means of the big bang is, in itself, a rather disputed question. Indeed, many of the pro-bang advocates would readily die to prove their case. On the other hand, the anti-bang advocates would sacrifice an innocent bystander without hesitation in order to disprove this. But these are not of our concern. I must now reveal how the big band occurred, since we must now make that assumption in order to be the stronger, less beguiled segment of the populace.
It turns out that the big bang resulted from a volcanic eruption in southern Florida around the time of the dinosaurs. Scholars assume that the eruption was the result of a purely scientific combination of magma pressure, gas build up, and Lord Zenu. To this day, it is unclear how a volcanic eruption could produce a sound trillions of times louder than an exploding white dung fox. However, we must put our faith in Zenu, the many handed Hindu God of cannibalism. After the death of his wife, Krishna, from a flying demon with a big pile of dung, he became so angry that his yelling exploded the volcano and caused the big bang, thus starting all of time and space and the universe indeed.
However, science has often come under fire for assuming that Zenu, a mythological beast proven to be pansy, is the creator of the universe. Many say that it is asinine to think such things when science has promised not to use the supernatural as an explanation. However, these people are generally either Christian conservatives who have their own agenda, or atheist snobs who are despised by all. Actually, another group against the big bang in general is the white dung fox conservation society, which has struggled tirelessly to preserve the white dung fox, which is now extinct in on the North American continent with the exception of "ghetto hoods," where the creature survives on a diet of crack cocaine and despair.
But it is essential that we move on from the topic of the big bang and instead focus ourselves on more fruitful areas of history.
The big bang brought about a golden age of cosmic growth. It is said by wise-men from the Appalachian Hills and the frosty fields of Ethiopia that during this period kings and men and gods lived together in peace and harmony. All peoples were happy and glad. No one locked their doors because there were neither thieves nor greedy papal usurpations. This golden age lasted until ten billion years ago. Then a dark age occurred that was caused by the formation of the stars and the galaxies. For these massive thermonuclear celestial objects crowded out the pleasant homes of the happy men and killed the golden age. Never again would papal usurpations be non-existent.
PART II: The Dark Ages and the Formation of Earth
During the dark age of the universe, the laws of physics were replaced with a feudal code of ethics and a sort of "particle oath of fealty." Scientists do not pretend to understand how particles could make oaths of fealty, or, indeed, how any livings organisms, such as the men of the golden age, could exist in a time when hydrogen was the only element and the universe was inhabited by a gang of Harley bikers. Actually, some scientists do pretend to understand this, but they must be discounted on account of their silliness.
Nevertheless, the dark ages passed five billions years ago. At this point, the galaxies were stable, the solar systems were formed, the stars were smiling, the happy face
was born, but good and evil would forever be mixed in an everlasting brawl that would play out like a melodramatic soap opera of fate.Four billions years ago, the planet Earth formed. Scientists and experts maintain that this event was foretold by an eagle flying at the base of a great mountain. The eagle, a descendant of God, proclaimed this event to a crowd of eager spectators. Then, just as the eagle had said, a great hole in the earth opened up and the Earth sprouted out of it, fully formed and ready for life. Others criticize this scientific theory on the grounds that it is 'unrealistic' and 'mean spirited toward eagles and spectators.' Their claims are usually silenced by a shadowy international consortium of technocratic science experts (who are also trained in Judo and Graeco-Roman boxing).
PART III: HUMANITY UNTIL AMERICA
Section 1: Stone Age
Upon the formation of the Earth, life finally took shape. Scientists explain all previous life by an 8-dimensional trans-temporal inter-relational space vortex.
I believe them.
Life eventually bore humanity through a complex process known as "Darwinian Evolution." Christians, Muslims, and Orthodox Jews will deny this, claiming that the Garden of Eden bore mankind. This, of course, is foolish.
Early man lived in vast caverns beneath the Earth where they ate white chalk and were constantly harassed by the tectonic plates. Thus, most fled to the surface while the remainder stayed behind. The latter group became known as "mole men" by the surface humans. They would play a huge role in the development of the US constitution, but this is for a later chapter. The surface humans developed civilization and art and pot. Pot was considered the most incredible creation of early man until the discovery of fire. At that point, the "cannabids" and the "ignisians" fought a great battle that engulfed the Earth in war and violence. The "ignisians" (who fought for fire) won by burning their adversaries. The cannabis were far out matched because they were only able to stuff their opponents' noses and mouths full of pot flowers.
Section 2: Bronze age and the Near East...
(OP: Ben, November 2 2006)
No comments:
Post a Comment