The British parliament had been spending most of its time since the 17th century either signing into law or crushing the liberal reforms that were submitted to it based on the readings and divination of the Prime Minister's digestive juices (a custom that had remained since Roman times). Sitting in their parliamentary chambers, a set of small, smoky, dingy offices in a back alley in the East End (until the 1840s when the idea of democracy became fashionable again with the fickle mob and a new building- Disraeli, an interior designer until he was elected to parliament and was prime minister on and off from 1750 to 1903, said that the building needed "oh, just a little more flair, precious,"), the members of parliament didn't have much to do except oppress British and foreign peoples, and their social skills were awkward at best (according to Disraeli, "Seriously, it was like going to my family's for Boxing day. Hello, can you say uncomfortable dead silence?"), so all they talked about was plans for invading other countries, the most famous of these being the Von Schlieffen Plan (named after Benjamin Disraeli's pet leopard), which described an invasion of the U.S. colonies via the Tennessee River.
And so, in 1778, using the Von Schlieffen Plan, the British troops sent by King George to quell the uprisings and to avenge his family honor, set out towards the Tennessee River. There was a hopeful spirit in the air as the young soldiers loaded their canoes and started on down the river. But this campaign was to become one of the worst warttime debacles, and tragedies, of all time. For the British parliament had not taken into account the deranged hill people living along the banks of the rivers; in fact, this plan had only come into being because Disraeli wanted a summer home in america for himself and his "mutual male aquaintance of 35 years," Randy. The hill people threw stones at the British soldiers, and the rest of the story is history (it is such a popular story in American history that at least seven movies have been made about it, including the "Deliverance" and the Wes Craven art house film "The Hills Have Eyes 2," which put the classic story in a modern context). The hill people only left one survivor, a musician named Lexington Concord, whose banjo-playing they related to. A wounded Lexington managed to guide what was left left of his canoe towards the Atlantic Ocean, where a pack of dolphins, recognizing him as a musician, nursed him back to health and brought him to London. He gave a stirring speech to parliament about his journey, but Disraeli, fearing that he would be blamed for the defeat and out of revenge for not being able to build his ideal vacation, had Lexington Concord hanged and halved on the spot. Thus the event is known as The Battle of Lexington & and Concord. The battle may have been won, but the war was far from overly done for, having been only recently been fought over and for what was done for...
(OP: Nate, March 29 2007)
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