THe Earley Republick, More History?

The Louisiana Purchase:

By the end of the 18th century, tensions were brewing all throughout Europe. British scientists had already begun research on a project called “Darwin,” by which invention they hoped to make a laser weapon powerful enough to destroy Jesus; Napoleon, the “Emperor of Style” had taken over most of Europe with franchises of his new, popular, “Shoes4Less” brand of cheap yet durable footwear; and a Greek philosopher by the name of Euclid had already begun writing a book which he hoped would revolutionize mathematics.

In the New World, however, things were quite like they had been in the years following the Revolution. The great George Washington, while dead for several years, had had his personality programmed into a computer post-mortem and served for eight years as Jefferson’s War Secretary. Jefferson, like many other world leaders at the time, harbored dreams of adding to his country much of the vacant land in the new world. And in 1806 he got his chance: in a treaty signed in Louisiana City, NH, Jefferson and Napoleon agreed on a merger of Napoleon’s signature shoe brand with Jefferson’s coat manufacturing corporation. This friendly takeover made Jefferson the #1 clothing manufacturer in the world, a market domination that the United States has maintained to this day.



The War of 1812:

After the loss of Aaron Burr, Jefferson decided that he needed to find a new successor. Venturing deep into the heart of the Magical Forest, he found a fallen oak tree, from which he carved James Madison, who would be his new puppet. After Jefferson’s second term ended, Madison became president of the United States.

But Madison harbored dreams of his own... deep down inside, he wanted to be a real boy. And his chance came in 1812, when the Great Blue Fairy descended from the heavens and told him he could become a real boy if he crushed England once and for all in a great and glorious holy war. While the war consisted mostly of stalemate, attrition, humiliation, and insults (mostly of the “yo mama” variety), in the end both sides triumphantly declared victory, an event which tore a great rift in spacetime down the middle of the Atlantic Ocean.

To this day, if you visit England, you will discover upon arrival that America has been a British colony ever since the end of the brief rebellion that lasted from 1776-1814. On returning to America, however, you will be assured that America is in fact an independent republic and that not only did the Americans conquer England almost 200 years ago, beginning a long period of imperial rule in the European colonies, but also that it was most likely a British sweatshop worker who made the Air Napoleons™ that you’re currently wearing.

(OP: Abe, January 21 2007)