Cheap Gothic Soap Opera, Part 86

News of Richard Woodson's "accident" spread quickly throughout Port Townsport. After the inappropriate snickers stopped ("Cor, Mr. Woodson's had an accident? I guess he couldn't make it to the loo on time!"), many began to speculate whether it truly was an "accident" (*snicker*) after all. There were many people in Port Townsport who had good reason to bear ill feelings towards the Woodsons (I myself had a custard recipe stolen from me by Bithle Woodson), but they would never have gone as far as to attempt to try their hand in the heinous art of murder! Or would they? Had not Buck Satlin gone running out of the Spleenging Pigeon in a mad frenzy, the same Buck Satlin whose head had been cubed and whose body had been fisheried by Mr. Woodson? Yes he had, and therefore he was the only possible suspect.

Word for word, this is exactly what Richard Woodson was thinking as he lay on the hospital bed in the Port Towsport hospital.
The doctor, Linden von Squatrain (no, not that Linden von Squatrain, but wouldn't it be cool if it was? To think, if the legendary Linden von Squatrain were also a doctor, I mean, oh my god....) walked in with a grave yet happy expression. "You're lucky to be alive, Richard," he said friendly-ly, "The accident was so severe that it broke up each and every atom in your body and reconstructed all your tissues and organs. The only sign that you were hurt is that band-aid on your right pinky finger."
"But my right pinky finger hurts incredibly so," complained Richard, "I need the companionship of my wife, I mean my sister, I mean my lover, I mean my brother?, I mean Bithe. Yes. I need Bithle."
Suddenly Sturgy burst into the hospital room. "Mr. Woodson, thank heavens you're alright! We were all so worried up at the estate about your accident."
"Oh. It's you. Well, now that you're here, I might as well voice the monologue that I was previously saying with myself, namely that...it was not an accident but rather an attempted murder by Buck Satlin!"
"But why Buck? Why do you think he hates you so much?"
"Revenge, Sturgy, simple revenge. And not just because of the cube and fishery incidents, but because of something much more sinister, something I have not told anyone, except for my past five therapists, and my attorney, and the National Enquirer. Davidson's mother is not Bithle, but Farah Lombdohs, Buck Satlin's old girlfriend. Buck loved Farah, but I loved her too, and I thought that if I stole her away from Buck, he wouldn't notice since he'd always been a little off in his brain after falling into the fish vats at the Woodson Cannery. But he did notice, and would not give her up, so I had him falsely imprisoned in a cube."
"Oh. Well that explains everything."
"But it does not, Sturgy, oh it does not. Have you ever wondered why Davidson acts so strangely. You now know it is not because he is inbred, which he never would have been even if Bithle had been his mother because Bithle and I were definitely not related before we were married. Davidson is the way he is because of his mother. I found out about her terrible curse soon after she left Buck for me. You see, Sturgy, she was a Whimpig, a being which, on the second sabbath of every month, turns into a pig with flowing locks of golden blond hair, truly a horrible curse. Davidson saw her turning into a Whimpig once, and he was never the same afterwards. Farah left soon after, to bring no more harm to the boy, she said. And that is why this is all Buck's fault, and we must find him and arrest him and imprison his head in a cube again!"

(OP: Nate, April 29 2008)