Cheap Gothic Soap Opera, Part 70

Tony spun around. There was a lobSt0)r leaning on the door, its claws crossed to look cool. He spun back around. Were the oyster and fern closer than before? He turned around again, tripping and temporarily breaking the dramatic tension, but from the floor he thought he saw a scurrying of movement. He jumped up, but the lobstor was still there, leaning, just leaning.
Fear flashed through his mind like so many titular councillors on a beer run through Pamplona during a fools moon. Tony gripped his forehead and doubled over in pain as he tried to wrap his mind around such a mind-blowing metaphor, not unlike a mille bourne fuille attempting an Aristotelian heimlich an the Shah of Ramhamabamham.
Tony groaned again. What was making him think these insane similes? He usually thought in terms of "built like a rock," "crazy as a cornish game hen," or "not dissimilar to an Orwellian matriculation," the standard common ones. But now he felt like his brain was explode like Winslow Homer pitching a red herring to the gopher from Caddyshack.
"AUGHGAH!" he shouted. Everything stopped. Even the fern looked confused. And everyone knows its definitely not good when the fern doesn't know what's happening.
"Help me." a voice said in the corner of Tony's ear. It was like a man who had inhaled helium, but otherwordly, and deep, and, in fact, really not helium-like at all. Maybe the voice had inhaled boron. Or was it xenon? Or cheetos? Trying to figure out what the voice sounded like, Tony forgot that there had been a voice in the first place. He began to walk towards the door when a description of such intensity penetrated his mind that his left arm went numb.
"HELP ME." the voice said again in an indescribable voice.
"Who is that?" Tony asked his surroundings.
"Oh my god. Do you really not know who I am?" the voice said haughtily.
"No."
"It's me. The writing bible. That creepy book you just read. I have the power to implant literary devices in people's minds."
Tony turned around, eyeing the skin-clad book skeptically. "Yeah. Sure. You can talk. And you have powers. That's a laugh. That's a riot. That's a hootenanny."
"FOOLISH HUMAN!" Alliterations pummeled him until he was in a ball on the ground.
"ow," he whimpered. "what do you want me to do?"
"Now we're talking. I need you to transport me out of this room, as I cannot move on my own. If you do not act quickly, I will be taken by the lobstor, oystor, and fern."
"Why can't you use your crazy mind powers on them."
"The lobstor and oyster are too dumb to be influenced by my power, and the fern's thought processes and languages are altogether too complicated and unfathomable for even me to comprehend."
"Wait did you say oystor or oyster?"
"Oystor."
"Cause there's kind of an oyster in here."
"Dear god. Not an oyster. We must get out of here at once. Come on let's go!"
Tony got up and grabbed the disgusting book. He looked around. Each thing was covering an exit. the lobstor the door, the oyster the window, and the fern the skylight. Since the oyster looked the least menacing, he ran towards it with all his might. He knocked it out of the window, and went flying out of the room himself onto the grass below. Tony got the wind knocked out of him and the book went flying.
"Congratulations!" a voice shouted, "You have gotten past the first challenge! You are going to the next round!"
"What?" Tony asked weakly from the ground.

(OP: Nate, January 22 2008)