Cheap Gothic Soap Opera, Part 76

A crazy glint appeared in Ms. Stewart's eyes. "I was the best actress on that show. I was the show!" she said maniacally. "But the writors got me fired because I wasn't 'reading their lines correctly.' Ha. It's funny when you think of it. Yes, funny. 'Funny ha ha' funny. Ha ha ha haghagh hegahgegahgUgh! It makes me sick. But the producors were there for me. They helped me, they trained me. They led me on the path to The Dark Side!"
Tony had begun to inch his way towards the door, but as he got there, Ridlo pushed him back towards Ms. Stewart. "Oh heh," he said nervously,"You were saying about the thing. You know the thing you were talking about that I wastotally paying attention to...What was it?"
"Tony, one might think you weren't listening to me that whole time. One might get angry. Very Angry. But not me! I was talking about the Dark Side."
"Wait, The Dark Side? The one with Darth Vader? The one that you sent me to that got me in this mess! That Dark Side!?"
"Yes Tony, that dark side. You know, the 18-step plan to reinvigorate your life and boost your self-esteem by engaging in the dark and arcane arts. The producors helped me with it."
"But if you were working for the producors the whole time, why did you come to me in the first place?"
"Why Tony. Tony, Tony, Tony. We were testing you, seeing if you would prove your loyalty to the producors or betray us with those bastard writors! And you have clearly failed. Little did we know, the writors had more in mind for you than we had thought. They even entrusted you with the necronomicon. You, with the book of the dead! When by all rights it was ours!!! But you're probably asking what a producor could possibly do with such a device."
"Actually, no. I wasn't rea-"
"You, see I am not at Miskatonic just to reanimate bodies, although I do not object to the practice. After all, it is the school's requirement for graduation. But I have my own project, one that will ensure a never-ending reign of darkness and terror for the beloved producors! The writing spirits told you to come here in order to destroy my project, but they did not know that the necronomicon is the final element, the key to the completion of my plan! And now you have brought it to me. You have failed Tony Spumoni. You have failed. And it is sweet. Does it hurt, Tony? Does it make you want to cry!"
"Um. Not really. In fact, I don't even really care that much about this whole thing. You can have the book, and do whatever you want with it. I'd just like to go. You're really weirding me out."
"what. You don't even want to hear what my insidious project, my evil plan is, what possibly disastrous effect it could have on the entire world?"
"No. I'm leaving." Tony began to leave, true to his words. But as he was walking towards the door, Ms. Stewart pressed a button in the wall. A giant metal orb came up out of the ground and began spinning rapidly. She quickly sacrificed the cutest wittow bunny-wabbit in front of it, releasing its life force into the orb, which stopped suddenly, revealing a book-like opening within it. "Ridlo! Now!" she shouted, and Ridlo tossed her the necronomicon. "Harcus malarcus yog spiffle don lousie cantata rogaine machismo," she recited, and the book began to shake uncontrollably. She shoved it into the orb. Nothing happened.
"Well, that was exciting," Tony said sarcastically, as if you couldn't tell. He put his hand on the doorknob when


BOOOOOOMOOOOOOON


EXPLOSIONIMPLOSION


"Cheap Gothic Soap Opera Terminated. Commencing Cheap Gothic Soap Opera.exe.program.episode1" a computer-like voice said.

Tony opened his eyes. He was still there. Ms. Stewart was still there. Even Ridlo was there. God he was disgusting tony wished he could punch his face if only he could god. The only thing that had changed was that nothing had changed, except for the giant spinning orb and the weird-ass skin-clad book. They were gone.
"That was your plan?" Tony asked incredulously, "You evil plan was to restart the show? I thought you were going to blow up something. Man, that's a relief."
He left. He went back to the private eye business, but he was never the same after his experience, probably because he walked into a weed whacker right after leaving the laboratory and had his hand cut off.
Ms. Stewart went off in a flying space jet. She moved to Coruscant, where she now kills jedis for fun.
Ridlo died. No one came to his funeral except for a sinister-looking band of ferns. It was kind of creepy.

(OP: Nate, January 29 2008)