Cheap Gothic Soap Opera, Part 65

Tony was sitting in the middle of the African savanna. The breeze was blowing and the sun was shinning...a bit too shinning. Thirsty, Spumoni stood up and looked to the horizon. To his surprise, he was standing on a high cliff. Suddenly, there was a snarling sound behind him. Turning slowly, he saw something there...a...a whole pack of lions. Tony knew from boyscouts that, upon seeing a mountain lion, one should get a stick, or nearby American flag, and wave it wildly whilst making threatening, carnivorous gestures.

Toni tried this, but it seemed to fail utterly with real lions, who actually grew only more agitated. Even the cubs got up and lurched closer. Toni's back was to the 1 billion foot drop and his feet were barely balanced against the slippery ledge. He slowly kept moving towards the safer savanna, remembering the old boyscout motto, "when confronted with a tiger, bear, cheeta, beaver, squirrel, peacock, or the sun, stare it straight in the eyes. But NEVER look an African Savanna Lion in the eyes! EVER!" Heeding the warning, Toni looked straight at the dominant male lion, causing it to sit down and sleep.

He subdued almost all of the lions this way, but as he approached the safe stretch, one of the larger cubs jumped up in front of him, determined to stop him. Toni panicked and ran past the cub, accidentally knocking it off the cliff. He looked down at the helpless falling thing and had the strangest sense that he recognized it...

Toni reached the flat area and decided to rest on top of a big round rock. But, while sitting down, he fell between the rock. Suddenly, he was on the set of Gone with the Wind. However, there were real people and no stage hands. In the giant mansion, the servants looked at him strangely. Suddenly, a southern gentleman shouted from down the hall, "heh, you, mista! You comme back heer right nohw!" Toni tripped, but as he landed, he fell within the floor, and found himself in Spartacus, and then in Plan Nine from Outer Space. Each time, he could sit down and move to a new story. But, after sitting down in Planet of the Prehistoric Women, he was in his old office, looking at his desk...except that there was someone there...and it was himself!

The two Spumonis stared at one another in fascination for several moments. Then the Toni at the desk jumped up and fled away. The real Toni looked in shock about the room. It was exactly as he had left it earlier...except...there was a newspaper on the table,


QUOTE
Simba from Lion King Dies
New York--
In a strange development, all Disney recordings of the famous animated film The Lion King have been replaced with a strange scene in which a man confronts the Lion pack and subdues them with his hypno-vision. While escaping, the man accidentally kills the young lion Simba...


Toni had a terrible feeling in his gut. Had he killed Simba? How, why, where, and how? There were other headlines also, such as "Scarlett O'Hara and Rhett Butler Live Happily Ever After," "Plan Nine from Outerspace Mysteriously Made Masterpiece," and "I am Spartacus." Suddenly, he realized that he had been passing in and out of materialized stories, somehow altering their courses.

But then...if he only went to stories, then what was this? Toni tested it by slowly sitting. He felt himself beginning to fall undertween the chair. He quickly stood up again. He then realized that he was in the story of his life...but written by whom? And why? But he was real...or was he?

Toni then had an existential crisis, but he couldn't sit down exasperatedly and sigh loudly, making it all the more difficult.

(OP: Ben, January 12 2008)